It was as if there was a new awakening
There as an awakening of a deeper kind of love
Of an inner joy, just as the most beautiful flower blooms last
********
I did not expect magical things to happen when I got home. I was still living with Curtis. Sara wasn't still speaking to me. I am still a student. It's not a fairytale.
Sitting down now, massaging my temples because I had felt an onset of a migraine earlier on, they had been coming ever since I stopped wearing my glasses, but it's not that bad. So long as I take a nap then it'll be fine. I allow myself to relieve earlier on after the church service.
********
All I remember was crying, and a lady, whom I discovered was the pastor's wife, hugged me for a while, continuously saying
'Jesus loves you, ah, Jesus is so happy that you did this'
The more she did it, the more I cried. But it wasn't sad tears. There was a bit of hope now, it was happiness, that maybe this was something I've been looking for. When she let me go I had initially wanted to admit that yes, God has spoken to me to come to Him a few years back but I didn't listen to Him.
She smiled. "I'm glad you do now. What's your name?"
"Hadassah" I say, with a small smile.
"You have a beautiful smile"
I drove back home, smiling and laughing to myself in the car, maybe hoping for change, but it didn't come immediately, that change. I stepped back into the apartment, and the gloom returned. Only that I knew what exactly the gloom was.
Curtis returned about an hour later from the gym. I found it so funny because no matter how much he works out , his skinny frame would never depart from him. If I do mention it now he would get upset so I do it to tease him.
I get up to at least start some dinner. I had a few things I'd like to do tomorrow. He stops me, when I'm about to go to the kitchen.
"Lets go out. There's this amazing restaurant that someone told me about at work."
I wasn't really feeling it, especially the fact that I wanted to sleep early today. But I say. "Sure, I'll just grab my coat"
While driving he asks, "How was Church? You haven't spoken much since"
I massage my temples.
"Amazing" I say, I didn't want to lie.
"Hmm. I wasn't expecting that"
"What were you expecting?" I say, before I realise that I had snapped. I apologise. "I just have a migraine"
He nods understandably. "You look stressed. We don't have to eat in. I'll just grab a Chinese takeaway for us both"
I lean over and grab his hand. "I don't deserve you"
That sentence is both the truth and a lie. In a way he was the best. In another way he deserved someone better.
Few times he has played around with the word marriage. I dreaded it, but I knew that was expected of us, seeing as we dated for the whole of my university years, almost three years, and it takes about six months at least to consider if your partner was suitable for marriage. But I had hoped he would never asked, because I found it scary, being with him. I wasn't sure I loved him enough to ever consider marriage. I can't marry him.
He's smiling at my statement. "You are more than enough"
While waiting in the car the thought of what I've been dreading the most began to filter in my mind.
**********
Few days later I'm at Costa with Osa, the girl that handed me the flyer, and the pastor's wife. Earlier on, after my lecture I had met them to get a bible and a journal. I got a life application study bible. It was highly recommended. I couldn't wait exactly to start using them now, I haven't touched a bible in years.
