Forgiveness is the hardest thing, Lord . How did you do it? Forgive us just like that. I have not spoken to her in three days, Father. I said I have forgiven her but I can no longer look at her as my friend. Lord, would it be possible if I probably throw...
*******
I had done stupid things. I no longer feel myself, I feel numb now. It may feel like it doesn't matter at this point, I have moved on, I had broken up with Curtis almost four years ago, but guess what? it hurts, it really does.
I refuse to admit to myself that I'm not acting like I should. I should try and get past my feelings and operate in Wisdom but I am ignoring it. I feel my Spirit strongly tugging at me to stop killing my self with all this news but there's no how.
The next day after Sara revealed it to me I didn't speak to her. I had thought I wouldn't take it serious, but I myself was surprised at my reaction. Sara slept with my ex boyfriend? When we were still dating?
I didn't want to care what she had to say. But I truly wanted to know why. The deed was done. Sometimes I feel, or rather God tells me to just forgive, the words seventy times seven ring in my head but this is more than one hundred and forty offences combined. I still do all that I could but it wasn't most certainly coming from a heart of love.
She understood. She didn't try to come near me, or speak to me, but oh! How I wish she could so I could at least react to her confession. I wouldn't know what I would have done with her but I knew it wouldn't be nice.
She wouldn't even try to explain to me. And I didn't blame her because I created that gap. Of leaving to work and not telling her, returning and not speaking. Making dinner and lunch were the only reasons I spoke to her. She understood perfectly.
*******
One morning, she did.
I had woken up quite early, only that I wasn't going to work. It was Christmas break and to clear my head a bit I wanted to take a drive at least. Just drive without any aim. When I got tired, I drove back. The drive made things a little better.
I went to the kitchen, already dressed up and taking a glass of water. I felt her presence.
"Hadassah" She whispers. I turn slowly and give her a look that must be cold, because of the slight flinch. I regard her still, unhappy self. It must have eaten her raw, the guilt.
Good for her, I felt. But I regretted that though.
"Please would you at least speak to me?" She begs. I keep silent and just stare at her.
"I have nothing to say to you" I spat the venomous words.
"I... I wasn't in my right senses-"
I slam the mug on the kitchen table. It doesn't smash. Then immediately, I regret.
"It doesn't matter what sense you were in at the time. You did it! That's all that matters!"
She starts to cry and there's an urge to comfort her but I ignore it. There's a strong urge to comfort her but I strongly ignore it.
"You slept with him when you knew I was dating him, Sara. How could you do such a thing?"
She's almost on her knees.
"I never meant to hurt you"
"Then why? When did this happen?" I yell.
She doesn't look up at me. She holds her belly.
"This was where it all began, Hadassah".
Somehow, I relax. I suddenly want to know what she has to say to me. I really needed to hear this, what broke her.
"Lets go to the living room. We could talk-"
