"Hadassah smile properly now" Mariah complains, as she takes the picture of my parents and I on graduation day.
"Am I not smiling enough?" I snap. Everywhere bustling, Students and proud parents, loves ones taking pictures.
My heels were killing me, I thought. It was a bit too high for me. And my family wasn't helping things out, all of them insisting that I take pictures with each and everyone of them. A few church friends come over as well, and later on , in the evening there would be a dinner to celebrate.
I allowed myself to stupidly think that maybe Curtis would show up. I concluded, that it was good I broke up with him before this graduation. And he was planning to propose. At least he didn't make a fool of himself, he should be able to consider that as a silver lining.
It felt weird, sleeping in my own apartment now, twice, I had gone to his place without realising that I no longer live here. When I came to pack the rest of my things, he never spoke a word to me, but he stood there, his skinny frame oozing sadness and defeat. I wished I could maybe hold him one more time, tell him that it was really okay. But I do not. I walk past him, and he takes my hand and pulls me to him. I'm so surprised at this sudden outburst that I don't do anything. Not even hug him. But deep inside I'm ready to say I'm sorry, I take my words back. I want to be with you.Hadassah, get away from this place now!
I pull free from his grip. Better to obey than face the consequence later.
"I'm sorry" He says. "I shouldn't have done that."
"I'm just going to leave"
I pick up the luggage I was holding and I take it out to the taxi waiting outside. He says something after me. I don't know if it's I miss you or I love you.
*******
The family dinner helps with the distractions. I thank God that I had not really told home about Curtis, then I wouldn't have more explaining. I know that I made a good sacrifice, it was what helped a little from this healing process. My heart hurts, right now, that I seat at the table.
Mariah leans over. I was shocked at her earlier appearance. Such a beautiful sister I have. Perfectly made up face. It's a struggle to even want to do the whole makeup process these days, and I had gone to the shopping centre to get it done. I'm a zero in that category. Not certainly a calling.
"You needed to see the way mummy and daddy dealt with Uncle Felix" She whispers. I look at her, uninterested.
"They called the police and arrested him, but you know your country, they said you aren't there to press charges. But the way he was dealt with, I wished I had to pity him"
"Oh" was what I managed to say. I wanted to tell her that I had other things on my mind. Thank God no one mentioned Sara as well.
Daniel comes to sit beside me. My big boy. No longer the child I knew him as. Just 13 years old but catching up with my height. I feel sad that I had to include him in all of this. I grab his hand."You're lucky they dealt with him" She remarked and I wanted to search for a nice way to tell her to shut up. It is not a conversation to have here right now.
"So Hadassah, would you be returning to Nigeria now or you want to stay here for the summer?" Dad asks, saving the day. Well, it's not much of a saving, because of what I was about to bring forth.
"Um, no" I say, avoiding every look from my family. Few days ago I got accepted into the University, the same University of Birmingham, for a Masters degree in Law. I figured that I wanted to do a masters as well. I had not yet broken the news to them. But I did anyway.
They appeared okay with my decision. "That's fine then, but you'd be able to come back to Nigeria to do law school" Dad said.
I'm not coming back to that Nigeria, that I know. I had told God about it. I know that I'd return back, but not now. Not this moment.
I shook my head. "I do not know" I didn't want to lie. They appeared a bit uncomfortable.
"We'd be going to Dubai for the holidays. Just for two weeks, we'd love to have you come with us" Mum said, and I know that she knew that I'd decline the offer. They're making me choke, but I tried so hard to choose forgiveness. So that I do not suffocate.
But I said yes, not because I wanted to, but because God wanted me to. Maybe after sometime with them, I'd relax, somehow?
*********
I had gone out to clear my head. Few weeks when I had started my masters, I had turned into a total loner, clinging to God as the only companion I had. It hasn't been easy, but I had a few friends in church that I was able to speak to.
I thought I really didn't mind it, wouldn't mind being alone because I needed time out. When I had returned from the family holiday, which went well, but I had ignored each and everyone of them. They must have forgotten that I was on the holiday with them.
The one that hurt me the most was when I was in the kitchen one morning, just finished reading the bible and then mum was just standing there, as if waiting for me to finish.She is smiling, but it is an uncertain smile, a smile that expects too much. I had almost not realised she was standing there.
"You know, we are all so proud of you" She said. I looked up to find her standing by the door.
I say nothing. But blink."Your father, me, even your siblings. You have set the foundation, laid a strong one for them to follow"
"Thank you" I say, not knowing what else to say. I felt the need to say more. "Thank you for everything" I say again, almost whispering.
"You know that we have always loved you, even though we never showed it, or you might have never heard us say it but we love you and we are proud of you" Her eyes are moist now.
I breathe and almost cringe, because this gives me a funny feeling in my chest. It is weird hearing my mum say things like this."God has shown me how much of an amazing daughter you are to me"
God showed me, too. I wanted to say, wished I could get it past my throat. It has refused to break free.
"My daughter I just wished you had come to me, when all those things happened. You never said a word. You have been hurting and you never said a word"
I cough now, because this is highly uncomfortable. A part of me wants to be really affectionate and accepts what has happened but I can't, I can't just see myself do this right now. I am not yet ready, I'm still in the healing process. It just doesn't happen like that mum. Maybe when I'm done healing, I would accept all this now.
I didn't know she was crying. Just a tear, slipped down. The morning sun showed her features. There are a few grey strands, on her edges, even in her braided hair. There were a few lines at the sides of her eyes. She was growing old, I thought.
"If only you could find it, in your heart. To just forgive us, my daughter. This isn't healthy. We have lost you and we want you back."
I close my bible slowly. And turn away so that she doesn't just see me about to crumble.
"It takes time to heal, and forgive" I say quietly but loud enough for her to hear.
"I know, my daughter, when your father and I-"
I get up from the chair. I don't think I can take any of this anymore."I , I have to clear my head" I say, not wanting to walk out on her. "Can I go?"
She nods slowly. We both have wrong ourselves in the worst way possible.