I'm sitting beside Jacob one day at the library , watching him read, and write on a piece of paper. I was engrossed in a novel but now it is closed and I am looking at him, smiling.
After a while he stares at me. "You can stop checking me out now" He smirks.
I made a face to feign disgust. "I don't know what you're talking about bruh"
"Mhmm. For the past few minutes you have been staring at me"
"Or maybe I do like staring at you" I'm the one smirking now. He chuckles a bit and puts an arm over my shoulders, dragging me to him. And then he looks at me so deeply.
"Your eyes are beautiful" He says, face close to mine, grazing my lips. I found that really sweet weirdly.
"Well, duh what do you expect?" I tease as I roll them.
"Nothing. I'm fine with a beautiful girl staring down at me. You know, when I still didn't have the courage to approach you, all I did was stare at you. I thought you were so fine, and I was like, wow. I don't know how but you'll be mine"
"Aren't you sweet?" I smiled. I reached out to touch his face, that was a darker shade of my hands. Different shades of black you know.
"Another reason for loving you"
"I love you more, and more. Each day. And I'll never stop that"
I smiled again. "Promise me that"
He returned my smile, and looked me in the eye.
"I promise"
********
The weakness creeps in slowly. I can no longer sleep well, without dreams of remembrance. I toss and turn, and once, a roommate commented that I was about to fall off the bed, but she pushed me back in.
I no longer eat well, naturally I don't eat much, but now I can't go past a single spoon of food. People complain now that just in a span of days I've lost a lot of weight now. Sara said that if not for my breast and bum I would look like some sickler. Just bony.
I look in the mirror and I try to find a version of myself before Jacob. I don't remember what I looked like. I don't see the weight but I wake up each morning with red rimmed eyes, with dark circles because, the dreams come back to haunt me. And that causes the tossing and turning.
*****
I can no longer look at him. Now , I feel so stupid for letting my heart out to some guy, who disappears at the first hint of trouble.
I try to forget everything, I try to forget that I ever had a boyfriend. I should hate him now, but I don't. The sad thing is that I still love him, and for days I had silently wished that he'd come back and tell me that he had made a mistake, that we should try all over again.
But he never came back, never said a word. I didn't know how but the breakup news spread as fast as when we started dating.
I hear voices from now and then.
"They were such a good couple. The looked really good together"
"I really thought they were going to last"
But of course, there's always a negative.
"It's good for her, I didn't know what she was feeling like"
"I know right! Acting as though she too was the head girl"
I block them out, the voices. I really don't care about what they're thinking. I just want to be alone
******
"He was always somehow to me anyway" Sara shrugged. Others have given up on consoling but not her. She isn't moved.
"How do you mean?" I say
"How could he be rude to every other person but you" She sighed. "I saw him today"
"Where?" I add, trying not to be too concerned. It wasn't my business anymore.
