For the next two hours I am still in that same spot. No tears, nothing. In fact, I didn't even want to cry.
I was filled with rage.
I stood up from the breakfast table and Sara followed me consciously to the bedroom, I wanted her to leave. But I said nothing, then got out my laptop from my suitcase.
"What are you doing? " Sara asked.
I sighed. And clicked the book a flight option on the British Airways website.
"I'm taking the next available flight back home" I replied, not looking at her.
I felt her sitting down beside. The mattress sunk deeper.
"Are you, sure you can leave like this?" She said. I looked at her in a certain way that made her shudder. I wanted her to feel what I was feeling, only a little bit.
"I have to go home and confront a few things"
"Won't it be expensive? The flight ticket"
I brought out my card from my wallet and began to type the card number into the space given.
"I really don't give a damn at this point"
"Give it some time. This is-"
"Sara, there's no stopping me now. Not just now" After successfully booking the flight , I stood up and looked for something suitable to wear in the wardrobe. Some of my clothes were still here. I left them behind on purpose.
She sighed, and looked around uncomfortably. "But your condition-"
"I am pregnant, not crippled, not sick, not lame. So, leave me alone"
She didn't. She came round to me and wrapped her arms around me. The tears didn't flow, didn't make any attempt to flow. It wasn't something I could explain. I didn't know how to describe my feelings at this point. How do you explain failure exactly? How do you explain failing someone?
"Okay, at least can I come with you?" She asked softly, after I shrugged out of her hug.
"No. You don't need to"
The medium sized suitcase was opened now. I wanted to drop a few things. I was only planning a ten day stay, at the most.
"Hadassah. Calm down at least"
I threw the first rage at her.
"Oh? Calm down? My brother just took his own life on my watch and you're telling me to calm down?" I yelled, so hard that I thought I heard Caleb begin to fuzz in the other room.
I closed my eyes and willed myself to breathe a little. Sara was right in front of me.
"This isn't going to help you or the baby. Or should I say, babies" She held my shaking shoulders. "Okay, you should go"
"My flight is at ten pm, tomorrow. I need to go home and pack a few things"
"You don't have to do that right now"
I refused to look at her. She's not helping to be honest.
"You can't be alone at this point, promise me"
I refused to listen to her advice.
"I'm going to see you in nothing more than two weeks" I said, finally gathering my things together and shrugging into my khaki kimono.
She stood at the door, now holding Caleb in her arms. She looked definitely too tired to try and argue with me. I grabbed my things, took it to my car.
As I walked past her to get my handbag she asked.
"Aren't you going to tell Jacob?"
I froze in my tracks. I felt guilty, for the first time, at my immediate actions.
