paramour

chapter 16

I went through the next few days or so, though I didn't really know how long it actually was at all, since I didn't bother to keep track, through immense torture –physical and emotional. I don't think there was an imbalance of the two. They were equally horrendous.

The physical pain was triggered from lack of blood –I still starved myself of it, and I would keep doing so no matter the cost. I didn't think it would kill me eventually, though I didn't know for sure.

And the internal pain –well, almost everyone knew why that was.

I should get an Emmy for best actress or something of the like; I acted indifferent to everything now. I didn't show an ounce of the pain I was enduring. I would keep it to myself –I didn't want Kathy knowing what I was doing to myself. I think she'd given up on trying to cheer me up. At least I wasn't crying all over like I had before.

Yes, I hadn't told her that I was never going to hunt again. Every time she said she thought it was about time for me to go hunting, I would go out and burn time by running around, and tell her that I would rather go alone, to make it easier on myself and her. She agreed every time, though she offered to go with me a lot.

But as the days passed, I began to wear down. Especially today.

It burned like it never had before; excluding the time I'd been changed.

I couldn't take it anymore. The thirst, all the crazy emotions spiraling out of control inside me... it was all too much for me to handle anymore.

My veins ached for blood, sending spasms of pain, which were much worse than before, rocking through my body. And it happened at one of the most inconvenient of times; while I was walking through the hall, heading towards my next class. Good thing there weren't too many students left in the hall to watch me double over in pain, and walk swiftly to the next hall that was normally abandoned.

As I slumped down on the wall, I kept thinking, why wouldn't the thirst just do away with me? Why wasn't that possible? I was already a horrible enough person; I'd realized was in love with a man I could never be with, and never should have feelings for in the first place because I'd treated him so horribly, and especially since I was a monster –an especially undeserving person. I truly hated myself for thinking such things about him, and I really did want to die more in that moment than any other.

I let ripples of hurt and agony ricochet through me –the emotional and the physical as I let my head fall into my hands. Would I never get anything right in my life? I'd already done the worst thing I could ever do; hurt him. I'm sure he felt awful about himself now, after what I'd said to him if he hadn't already felt terrible before. I didn't really mean what I said before... he had never made the choice to kill those people, the council had, and he just followed orders. Besides, being vampire wasn't all that bad... if you forgot your past, that is. Maybe that's the whole reason why I had been so resistant and rebellious, and still was to some things. But that was no excuse for how I had made him feel. There was no excuse for that, and I didn't know if I would or could apologize to him for my behavior. And anyway, I shouldn't have anything to do with him anymore. He had made a decision to stay with the council and the law. I shouldn't interfere with his life anymore. What I should do was disappear to never bother him again.

My veins throbbed once more, and I groaned quietly, my breath coming harder and harder. It felt like a burning hand was squeezing my chest, singeing my insides and sucking the life out of me.

"Marie, what are you doing here, all by yourself? This doesn't really seem like you," I heard someone mumble sarcastically from down the hall. I gasped in shock, thinking it was Damian at first, but then realized the voice was the higher pitched voice of his brother, Chris. Wow, I have the best luck in the world, didn't I? Although, it probably wouldn't have been the best luck, either if that had been Damian at the end of the hall. He would not like to see me torturing myself like this. In fact, I had a feeling he would be downright furious. How would I have explained why I was slumped against the wall, writhing in obvious agony? There were two reasons why, and I didn't want to explain either one to him, or anyone.