paramour

chapter 22

I was sprawled out, laying on the sand for awhile, trying to pull myself together.

I realized I couldn't let Kathy know. She would only make a huge deal out of it, make me feel worse, and probably bother Damian over it.

My life had been irreversibly changed by him... now; I didn't know how I would be able to live without him. It felt more terrible than ever –I didn't know how I had been able to stand it before.

The sun started to rise higher and higher in the sky and the moon began to disappear.

I let out a few more dry sobs, but did not cry. I hadn't cried yet.

I had to go back now. I think I must have blanked out for a period of time, emotionless, retreating into a corner of my mind.

Slowly, I pushed myself up off the ground. I really had to pretend everything was all right, though nothing was. It felt like nothing ever would be again.

I ghosted through the forest once more, trapped in a detached state. If I could stay like this, I would be fine. This is just like the old days, I thought almost mordantly in my head.

As I made my way to the school and up the stairs to my dorm, I attempted to put a grin on my face, as if to say I'd had a good night instead of the awful night I'd really had.

Once I reached my dorm and opened the door Kathy was right there, sitting on the couch, waiting for me. Her expression was slightly confused since she did not see him with me, yet excited.

"So... how was your night Marie?" She asked cheekily, a big grin on her face while her dark doe-like eyes remained slightly puzzled.

"It was amazing," I replied brightly. I don't think it was possible to die a little more inside.

"Well that's good to hear... Do you want to tell me any details?" She beamed, raising her eyebrows.

I laughed, hoping that it sounded realistic and convincing, and then shook my head, pushing her playfully.

"Come on, we have to get to class," She giggled and rolled her eyes, bustling me over to the bathroom and grabbing me a fresh uniform for me on my way in.

"Get ready quickly, you little mischievous thing," I thought I should have laughed but I didn't. I just continued to put on my fresh clothes and put the dress in the hamper. I felt nothing –which was good. I wouldn't be able to feel the rippling pain that would probably end up making me have a break down, causing a scene in front of everyone.

As soon as I was out, Kathy pulled me by my arm out of the room and down the hallways to our class. She seemed to have a tendency to do that to everyone she was walking with I guessed.

She pestered me the whole way there and most of class, asking for at least one little tiny detail from last night. I didn't tell her anything, and tried to act like everything was perfectly normal, a giddy smile on my face.

It was fairly hard to accomplish acting happy when actually you were the exact opposite, especially for an extended period of time. And though it was tough to act everything out on my part, I knew my life would be a little less miserable if I didn't alert anyone, especially Kathy, to my unhappiness and the fact that Damian and I were no longer together. Things like that always sent twinges of pain all over, or even sometimes like someone had punched me in the gut, knocked the wind out of me.

I'd been pretending for awhile now. And I didn't know when it would stop, or if I ever would stop. Maybe I would have to carry this out for awhile, which didn't really particularly sound appealing. I 'went out with Damian' every night, and what I really did was go hunting by myself and then go o patrol by myself. I was sure he was out there somewhere, also looking for werewolves but certainly not doing it with me. We hadn't said a word to each other since that night... and it was torture for me.