rescue me / larry

twenty-four / real life

Louis was sitting on his window sill, the window wide open. The cold air was blowing through his hair and into his room. A cigarette was burning inbetween his fingers and Louis sighed.

It's been a while since he smoked since he wanted to cut it down for multiple reasons - it wasn't good for his health, his voice and he didn't want to ruin his body even more. And it also smelt like hell, but that was a part a smoker quickly learns to deal with.

And now he didn't know how much he already smoked, he just flicked the out the window. Harry seemed to have given up knocking on the door about ten minutes ago and Louis now sat surrounded by silence.

Once again. It seemed to haunt him.

The feeling of Harrys lips still lingered on Louis' lips, and Louis just wanted to rub his lips. But his mind wasn't exactly dumb and Louis still knew that deep inside this feeling was something he wanted for years.

A few months ago Louis probably would've cried out of happiness if all this happened, but something was keeping the enjoyment locked away.

He was a different person now, even though the feelings towards Harry might still be the same. Louis used all his strength and learned that Harry wasn't the key to happiness, he learned how to live without Harry by his side and it was like his life was trying to wash all the progress away.

Louis flicked the cigarette away and quickly climbed down from where he was sitting and closed the window, new tears streaming down his cheeks.

"Fucking Harry, fucking feelings, fucking everything," Louis thought as he climbed into his bed and used his shaky hands to pull the covers over his entire body.

Louis swallowed, he felt overwhelmed with his own feelings and didn't know what to do. He thought about how he usually dealt with his feelings, but right now he couldn't think of a healthy way. His skin was itching to be cut, he could eat the whole kitchen right now and even more tears streamed down Louis' cheeks.

Louis choked and pulled the covers off of him and got up, walking over to the door of his room. He unlocked it and before he knew it he was jogging down the stairs. The tears still felt wet on Louis' cheeks as he walked into the kitchen, the room he last heard noises coming from.

Harry was sitting on a kitchen chair, looking up from his phone when he heard someone enter the room. He put the phone aside and pushed himself up from where he was sitting.

"Just stay where you are," Louis quietly said, leaning against the kitchen counter. He was about two meters away from Harry, still looking him right into the eye.

Harry sat back down, looking unsure of what to do or what to say in that moment. And that was exactly what was going on inside of him in that moment; everything he had to say could be taken the wrong way by Louis.

"Why did you kiss me?" Louis asked, his voice slightly trembling from crying. He bit his lip and Harry looked down at his hands.

"I thought that-" Harry started but the smaller boy cut him off, not wanting to hear any of the bullshit the curly-haired boy had to say.

"You didn't think, Harry, that's the point. I told you not to do this, that I want to move on. What gives you the right to just kiss me? Did you think it's like in those movies where everything turns out okay when you kiss someone who's mad?" Louis asked, but Harry made no sign of wanting to reply.

"You know, when I was at home," Louis started then.

"When I was at home I really wanted to come home, I really wanted to see you but I just realised being near you right now makes me miserable."

Louis didn't wait for Harrys reply and turned around, grabbing his still unpacked suitcase and his jacket.

"Wait, where are you going?!" Harry suddenly found his voice again and jumped up.

"I can't be here right now, Harry. I can't be fixed by the same person who broke me."

With those words Louis walked out of the flat, leaving Harry alone once again, and Harry couldn't help but break down crying the second the door fell shut.

~~~

"It's really not a problem that I'm staying here?"

Niall shook his head, looking at Louis next to him. Louis chose Niall to stay with because he couldn't stand the thought of driving all the way back home once again, just to come back a few weeks later.

Niall was perfect right now - he knew about everything and could keep a good eye on Louis, but Niall wasn't the person who guided Louis through everything so Louis could still spend time with Niall without being reminded of how much he fucked up the last ones.

Niall was the only one who didn't constantly look at Louis with sad eyes.

"If you would've told me about this plan to move in with Harry before I could've told you that it's a bad idea," Niall just said.

"But I'm glad that this time you realised it yourself before breaking yourself once again," Niall added, and Louis shrugged.

"I will never be not broken, Niall. I will always to control myself more than others. My life will never be normal again," Louis said, looking up, this time it was Louis who had the sad eyes.

Niall wrapped his arms around Louis, pulling him close and Louis just cried into Niall's chest. Louis choked on a few sobs before he pushed Niall away.

"Why was I so dumb?! I ruined all this myself, Niall."

"You didn't-"

"Don't try to lie to me. I ruined my entire life, I will never be normal again. If I wasn't so fucked up no one would have any trouble and-"

"LOUIS!" Niall interrupted. "You're on the way up now, there's no need to look back on what happened."

"Niall, I am looking into my future, at all struggles I will have," Louis said loudly, crying once again. It seemed like all he was doing today.

"You don't understand anyways," Louis said and got up. He walked into the hallway, slipped into his shoes and grabbed his jacket.

"I'm going out," was the only information Niall got before Louis was gone.

Sometimes our decisions aren't the best. Sometimes they are.

~

So here's a new chapter, I hope you like it :) I'm trying to show how life can really be because I'm sick of fanfictions of someone coming into someones life and fixing them completely. Or someone realising they loved the other all along and its happy ever after. Life isn't like this and mental illnesses are not easy to life with, you don't go into treatment and come out perfectly fine and a hundred percent recovered.