Circles

23

Holding him felt so right. Especially after all of the wrong that they did to each other's emotions, but Phil was conflicted. The way Dan cuddled into his chest was magical, but it was wrong.

Dan was so in love with Phil. They were always meant to be, he knew. And when he cuddled Phil it was like they were two puzzle peices fitted together. Sure he had done it before, but this time it was different. For the first time in Dan's his life he felt like he was the arms of someone that he truly belonged with.

Phil could tell how Dan felt. He felt so bad for what he was about to do.

Dan intertwined their legs, and held tight onto Phil as if he might slip away. Phil was his. Phil would never leave him.

Phil couldn't be Dan's. He was staring at the ceiling his mind in to many places at once. He couldn't be with Dan. It was ridiculous. He didn't want to kiss Dan, he didn't want to hold Dan, he didn't want to do anything with Dan. Lies, lies, lies.

It was best for both of them if they stayed friends. But you want to be with Dan. You love him. Look at him. He's so cute when he sleeps. This is what you've always wanted. Listen to the way his heart beats pressed against yours. Do you really want to throw it all away? No.

But it was useless. Phil had made up his mind.

He needed to leave for a few days. Just to clear his head. Didn't Dan realize what this could do their lives?

***

Dan woke up
To nobody holding him.
Just an empty cold space on the bed
Where Phil would be.

He searched the house, and called Phil's name,
But there was no answer.

He enters the kitchen, and sees a single note.
Dan hopes the note would read that Phil just went to the store or something, and "will be back soon xx."
But it doesn't.

Dear Dan,
   I'm falling apart. I don't think that we should be together. I just need sometime to think. I need space. Seeing you would be to painful to take. There was a point when I would kill to have you love me as much as you do, but that point is past me. I'll be back soon. I do love you Dan. It's just ever since you kissed me, I realized how different we will be. I'll be okay, and I'll be back to talk to about this again. I'm so sorry for confusing you. I don't know what I want right now. It's just feels like we're going in circles.
               -Phil

Dan read the note
over
and over
until he couldn't,
because his eyes were so blurry.
He then crumpled the note,
and threw at the wall.
He sat on the kitchen floor, and cried.
The tears made his head hurt,
But not as much as his heart.
He could still think clearly,
and a thought crossed his mind that made him weep harder.
Maybe Phil wasn't his after all.
-
Sometimes, when I'm sitting in my room thinking, your name just floats through my brain suddenly like a bomb being dropped on my innocent little town of thoughts. It blows up everything I was thinking about before into little tiny thought pieces that fly to the outer corner of my brain, to be forgotten. And now, it's just you left. Memories are lifted out the wreckage, and my whole mind is overtaken by every fact, every emotion I've felt with you, things we've said, and anytime spent together. Anything my brain can dig up about you. It makes my brown eyes sting, and my fragile heart race. And I think about how much I love you. And then my little mind soldiers immediately send a signal to my eyes to cry. Sometimes they listen, sometimes they just stare into blank space as the situation gets worse, and my heart slowly breaks into little fragments. But then the soldiers all shout, STOP. As if to attempt to slow the flow of my thoughts. "You're fine" they say in unity. It's a weak attempt, but it's to protect me from just breaking down right there. They work to turn that lie into a truth. And I sit empty and alone while the soldiers try desperately to clean up the mess you caused. Not only to the brain, but to the heart. It takes them a while, and I'm stuck thinking of you for what seems like all eternity.