Circles

25

Dan heard the sound of keys in the door.

He had never jumped up so fast.

When Phil entered they stared at each other with no words.

It has only been a couple of days as Phil had said, but Dan's heart was laced with anger at Phil anyway for leaving in the first place.

His arms were crossed across his chest, and he had a look on his face as if he'd seen a stranger walk into his apartment instead of his best friend. Phil looked more as if he was looking at a cute animal that was struggling to live the way his eyes shown with sympathy for Dan. Like there was nothing he could do about his suffering.

Dan thought that when Phil came back there would be immediate shouting, or perhaps a lot of tears. But he had no words to say to Phil. He tried to find something to say.

"78 hours 12 minutes, and 24 seconds." He said at last.

Phil looked confused for a minute. Then he realized that's probably exactly how long he'd been gone. "How did you-"

"Timer." Dan's voice is monotone.

There is silence once again.

"I counted every minute with a timer since I stopped crying that day I found that note. Down to the very second I heard you enter."

Phil feels extremely guilty. "Why?" He says quietly.

"I wondered how long it would take for you to care enough about me to come home. How long it'd be until I saw your face again." He says it with little emotion, but tears are welling in his eyes. "78 hours 12 minutes, and 24 seconds."

Phil's mouth opens, but says nothing, and it angers Dan. He explodes. All words he wants to say find him at once.

"I missed you every fucking minute when I should have been mad at you. I was worried about you for fucks sake. You never even called once, did you? Did you even care about how I felt? You kissed me, and then left." Dan rants, but he's only getting started.

"I SPENT HOURS FEELING I WASN'T ENOUGH FOR YOU, PHIL LESTER, BECAUSE YOU'RE 'OH, SO PERFECT, AND GREAT, AND ILL NEVER BE GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU' FUCK THAT. YOU'RE THE COWARD WHO RAN AWAY FROM HIS OWN FEELINGS BECAUSE HE WAS SCARED OF FACING THE TRUTH. I KNOW YOU LOVED ME THAT NIGHT YOU HELD ME WHILE I CRIED, AND I KNOW YOU LOVED ME THAT NIGHT YOU LEFT, AND I KNOW THAT YOU ARE IN LOVE WITH ME RIGHT FUCKING NOW, AND I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW YOU COULD LEAVE ME ALL ALONE WITH A FUCKING NOTE. I DON'T EVEN UNDERSTAND WHY I STILL LOVE YOU SO GODDAMN MUCH WHEN YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE ABSOLUTE SHIT."

Dan was suddenly sobbing on the ground feeling terrible in every way. His energy had left after all of the shouting, and his head hurt again like the day he found that note. He wanted nothing more than a hug, but he was so enraged at Phil he wasn't thinking clearly, and felt the need to apologize even though he did nothing wrong. He refused to look up, and cried into his hands feeling horrible.

"I don't either." He heard Phil say. "You are completely right, Dan. I don't understand why you love me so much when I really don't deserve you." He's crying as well, and doesn't know why he left Dan. He spent all that time in that crummy hotel thinking of Dan and him. He realized while he was there that he was the only reason that they weren't together, and negativity towards them didn't matter because they belonged together.

"I think it's because of how much I need you, Phil." Dan says suddenly.

They stare at each other again the world seeming to disappear. There is so much to say, but they've worn themselves out with all of the circles they are going in. They didn't even realize they were going in circles until they were right back where they started.

"I really want to kiss you." Phil says outloud tears still in his blue eyes.

"Then do it."
-
Kiss me.