"What?" he sounded worried. Jack took hold of my hand, looked me in the eyes pleadingly. "I can't take this any longer Jack" I replied. He swallowed hard. "Can't take what any longer?" .
This was the boy I loved, the boy who changed the way my heartbeats. The boy who gives me strength and love. The boy who made me feel special. The boy who I would die for.
Could I really do this?
As the words poured out my mouth, my heart was cracking. Really breaking. And I was doing it.
"I can't...-" I looked at him, showing my love. "I can't just be with you when all you talk about is wanting to die, what if...what if you did it? what then?I'm left lonely and heartbroken, that's what. I can't deal with that. I can't just sit around waiting for you to kill yourself, it's too much to handle. You mean the fucking world to me Jack, I can't let you break me like that"
Tears brimmed in his eyes, he looked heartbroken. That makes us both.
"I'm so fucking sorry. But I have to. For both our sakes. I have to break my own heart, before mine is left crushed, so crushed the pieces are so small it is impossible to rebuild. I'm so sorry Jack"
That's when it happened. I broke my own heart, it was in a million pieces, stabbing into every part of my body. It was as if I felt the cracks.
Jack loosened his grip on my hand. Was he giving up? He can't.
Jack got up and paced behind me, hands on his head. He leaned against the wall.
"No!" He yelled, the pain in his voice hurt. He smashed his fist off the brick wall, causing pain to us both. "This can't be happening" he screamed through tears.
Was Jack strong enough to stay alive alone?
I was in tears now, seeing him hurt himself broke me. Not that I could get anymore broken, it was like I had put my own heart in a blender.
His fists were stained with blood as he cried his poor heart out. My body wasn't letting me comfort him. I couldn't go back to him, with that fear of what if.
Jack looked towards me, straight in the eye. Like he did in the toilets when I first spoke to him. His face was wet with those painful tears, his eyes were bloodshot. He swallowed again.
"You know? Every person in my life has tried to break me, pull me apart bit by bit. Getting abused by my dad. My siblings hating my guts. My grandparents ashamed of who I became. My teachers, who always thought the worst of me. My friends, who betrayed me and ditched me. My foster parents, expecting perfection...-"
Every word tore through me like a chainsaw. Jack wasn't okay. I really was the last thing he had. And I just left him. He now thinks he is nothing.
"When all I had left was you. All of my soul was torn apart shredded until I was nothing. The one thing left was my heart. That was the last thing left of me, keeping me alive. You were keeping me alive. You were that last part-"
A tear rolled down his cheek, he was only a foot away from me know.
"And now. My heart is broken. Because you left me. I have nothing left. I am here...but really I'm not. What's left for me? Nothing. What's to stop me from killing myself now? I was hanging onto you Ellie, you were all I had and depended upon. I kept breathing. For you"
I felt like he had just taken one last stab at what was left of my heart. I can't be the reason Jack kills himself. But I also can't be with him if he chooses to.
I took a deep breath in, and stood directly in front of Jack. I didn't touch him. I just spoke.
"You don't need me Jack. You have survived all these years without me-"
"Just" he cut in
"You can do it Jack. Whether I'm with you or not, I will always be in the heart of yours that is keeping you going. You can't give up on me. Everything we have been through, wasn't for nothing. You are meant to live. You need to stay alive. Surprise yourself, prove yourself wrong. I know you're doubting yourself right now, but are you really going to let the thoughts take over? They can't win. You are strong, don't let them win. Don't give them what they want.
It's the thoughts that want you dead, what is pushing you towards breaking point. Not yourself, deep down you know you can defeat them. They have put you through hell your whole life, and now your going to quit? You were finally getting ahead of them and now you decide to give up? Jack you are getting through this, slowly but you are. You are close to happiness again. I can see it on the horizons. Your smile is almost back. So is your laugh.
Your almost there. Let go, let life take over. It will lead you in the right direction. Stop fighting it, I know that you know that happiness is close. I know you haven't been familiar with it lately, and maybe being happy scares you? Because you've forgotten what it's like. Let happiness win, please. Your sadness is about to be drowned by happiness you have to let it happen. Let go of your past, and all the pain with it. Because I know you can, you are capable.
Stop doubting yourself and let it happen. Once your happy, your happy. Happiness isn't scary, okay? Your life is going the right way. You haven't survived this all for nothing. Sadness is only temporary, remember. You have almost done it Jack, you have almost conquered sadness and fear. You are almost there. Keep living, for me"
Jack smiled so big, I think I just brought him into happiness. I saw no fear in his eyes any longer. As the sun rose, happiness took over. There was no longer any sadness left in his life.
"I did it Ellie, I defeated the voices in my head...It's weird, hearing nothing. Peaceful almost. No one is screaming at me no longer. I am happy, to be alive"
I knew from then on, that it took breaking my own heart to mend it again. All it took was some words.
Jack smiled, took my hands in his.
"I am going to live my fucking life to the fullest, until I die of old age or accident. I am never going to think about suicide again. Because you Ellie, taught me the importance of living, and waiting it out until you reach the end of the dark tunnel. You showed me how precious life is and how I shouldn't take it for granted. You showed me that it actually will be okay in the end. You need some patience, and you'll be okay. You are going to be the reason for me living until the day I die, and I'm going to make sure the world knows that it's all thanks to you that I'm not dead right now".
I wanted to cry with tears of joy. I was madly in love with this boy.
"You know what Jack? You showed me what love is, and what it's like to be in love"
Jack's lips came crashing down onto mine. Jack was the one. The one who made me happy. He kept me living as well. Knowing that I kept him living, kept me alive.
In the end, I made the right decision. Jack was the best choice I ever made in my entire life. I learned so much about myself. I said things I didn't know could come out my mouth.
I was the one.
The one who saved Jack Reynolds life.
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THATS IT GUYS, I FINISHED THE BOOK OH MY GOSH IM EMOTIONAL. THIS CHAPTER WAS SO AMAZING TO WRITE.
THIS IS THE LAST CHAPTER BUT I AM GOING TO WRITE A THANKYOU RIGHT NOW
I LOVE YOU ALL SO FUCKING MUCH, THANKYOU FOR BRINGING THIS BOOK ALIVE
vote&comment&share, let me know what you thought of the book and what it showed you or made you realise x
- eve😭❤️
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Always Awake
Teen FictionCOMPLETED// Ellie is trapped between two worlds. And has to make a choice. Her friend's or the boy she has only ever dreamed about. Who will she choose? Can she save her mysterious boy from getting dragged back down into the shadows of depression? "...
