Always Awake

Chapter 19

I had arranged to meet Maddie and Jas today, to tell them my decision. I was nervous about their reaction.

"Please come" I asked Jack, placing both of my hands on his. His hands were like blocks of ice it made me shudder.

"Are you sure? They probably won't appreciate me being there"

"Come"I said more stern.

He laughed a little, raising his hands in defence. "Okay okay! Chill!" he nudged me playfully.

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They were at the beach, maybe it wasn't a good idea Jack was here. I don't know if he has been back since.

Jack stopped abruptly as I took a step onto the beach. Fear swept across his face like a tsunami, it was all so sudden.

He had a begging look in his eyes, he seriously didn't want to go back.

I gripped his hand tightly.

"Jack it's okay, I promise...together remember?" I reminded him. He sighed and squeezed my hand. "Together".

Maddie looked very intimidating as we approached her, like she already knew what I decided. Her arms were folded, a frown plastered on her face as she glared at me. Jas was a few steps back, biting her nails, and twirling a long lock of her gorgeous blonde hair.

"What is he doing here" Maddie spoke through gritted teeth. I really was happy what I chose. I ignored her comment and stood right in front of her. "I have made my decision"

"About time" she grumbled. Oh my god, Maddie is so rude. How was I ever friends with her?

Jas stepped forward and kicked her ankle, annoyed at what Maddie said.

"I'm staying with Jack" I stated.

From the look on Jas's face, I could tell she was disappointed. Maddie however, look relieved.

But Maddie always likes to be the favourite, so she had mixed feelings about my decision. She didn't like me anymore, but she was annoyed that I didn't choose her.

"Him?" She retorted, sniggering.

Bitch.

"Yes him, my boyfriend Jack" I smiled, hiding my anger.

Me being happy, annoyed her. She didn't like that I wasn't bothered. She was winding me up, trying to get me to crack.

I glanced at Jack, his expression was blank.

Maddie was like some mean, jealous, toxic bomb ticking away.

Since Jack told me about his past and self harm, I have been trying to help him. Giving him the confidence and praise, he has started to wear tshirts more often and not worry about hiding his scars. I told him no one would judge him, not much people take notice anyway. He was beginning to get more confident again, wearing less hoodies.

We stood in silence. I could practically hear the cogs turning in Maddie's sick brain, thinking of a clever response.

I saw her turn to look at Jack. She must of seen his scars, her eyes widened. Jack tensed gripping my hand as if his life depended on it. May or may not have felt a few bones crunching in my hand. Ouch. I winced, hiding how much it hurt. I couldn't show Maddie my pain otherwise she would think I'm weak.

"What are those" she hissed.

"Scars" he responded.

"Why do you have them". Maddie wasn't even interested she was trying to make me mad, or do something to Jack. But I don't care what she thinks of me, if she says something offensive to Jack I will come at her.

"I don't think that concerns you" I cut in.

"No, she should know. I have them because I haven't had it easy. I was struggling to cope with the weight of life. It just kept pushing me down, until I was nothing-"

"That's nothing but a sob story" Maddie remarked. How can words like that even come out her mouth? Does she have a heart?

"Really, do you think so? Well I wish it was a sob story, but it's not. It's real life, have you ever been abused by your father? Don't think so. Did your mum get sent into a mental asylum because the things she saw messed her up so badly? Don't think so. Do you now have to live with foster parents, that expect you to be their perfect little boy, after all you've been through? Don't think so" Jack spat out the words like they were venom, and could poison anyone they affected.

"It's not my fault your dad hates you and your mum is a maniac" she grumbled.

I was lost for words. Seriously? Was she really saying this.

"Never said it was your fault,  I don't want your pity or apologetic looks. I was just saying it's not a fucking sob story okay?" he growled.

"Whatever. Might as well go cry your weak ass to sleep" Maddie spoke in a baby tone.

Pathetic

Maddie turned to leave, grabbing Jasmine's arm as she left.

"Just because I have a tough past doesn't mean I'm weak, if anything it made me stronger" Jack called.

I didn't know if that affected Jack. If I was him I would definitely be crying.

"How can you take that? And not be the slightest bit upset?" I asked.

"One, I have had way worse things said to me, I know how to handle it. Two, who says I'm not upset? Remember I am a pro at hiding how I really feel...all us suicidal kids are" Jack winked as if what he said was nothing.

I don't get him, about serious topics he shows his jokey side and on other random things his dark side is unleashed.

We began to walk back to his house, lately I have spent a lot of time there. Jack is lonely, he only really has Anita to talk to. But all my time being there, I have never heard her talk.

We walked through the park, Jack was kicking stones in his path as he went.

"What's it like?" I asked.

"Huh?"

"The pressure. How does it feel to have so many things to try and keep ontop of and expectations to live up to?"

"Ahh" he raised his chin, looking through the group of trees. Shards of sunlight peaking through the the gap. He was still looking above.

"The pressure hmmm" he laughed again, weird.

"It's like, everyone thinks that I am some kind of human robot that can do everything. Which is bull. All my friends want to become big football stars, and they accomplish their goals. Meanwhile I'm here struggling to keep living with a smile on my face"

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