Always Awake

Chapter 3

I couldn't sleep last night, with all the excitement. I really wanted to look good. I wanted to impress him. To make him like me.

Walking to school, I felt so nervous. My stomach churned as I thought about the bad outcome. What if all this was just a big joke...a misunderstanding perhaps. I tried to push away the sick feeling that lurched in my stomach. I felt shakey and my heart-beat was accelerating to around 500 beats per second.

When I arrived, Jack and Elouise were making out, right in front of me. Which made me feel really awkward. The feeling remained. I tried not to stare. As I walked past, Jack stared at me and Elouise followed his gaze, she looked puzzled. Last night must of been real. But it was so hard to ignore how wrong everything was.

In class, I sat with my friends. I was much quieter than normal, and they could tell. I mostly stared at the table, to avoid all eye contact. I could feel Elouise staring at me from afar. In a way, I felt ashamed and guilty. Surely, Jack does too...right?

In second period, Elouise called in sick and went home. It did seem a bit convenient, but I should be happy. Maybe that will give me and Jack some time alone.

I was in the weirdest mood, I kept on getting flashbacks to the public toilets. When he was staring down at me. It must of meant something. My desire to be with him was growing by the day. His lips looked so soft and gentle. When I was alone with him, he had this whole other side to him. I wasn't scared, he made me feel special. I remember the feeling that surged through my body when we were so close. I wanted to kiss him.

At break, Maddie and Jas kept asking if I was okay, but I just reassured them with the classic "I'm fine". I was literally killing myself, not telling them. I wanted to share how I felt so badly.

"Are you sure?" Jasmine asked. "Jas chill, I'm great!" I said laughing. Her expression was empty. I knew she didn't buy it. I gave her a weak smile and walked to my next class.

I feel like, since last night - I have become a new person. I no longer feel invisible or meaningless. Jack has given me the confidence booster that I needed. I am NOT  "Cameron's Little Sister". I am Ellie...Ellie Wilkie.

Lunch came so slowly, I began to feel my stomach eat itself. The whole time, I watched the minutes tick by. Which, minutes felt like hours. Finally the bell rang and we were released.

I was surprised to see Jack waiting outside my classroom. He was grinning at me. I tried not smile too much, so my friend's didn't notice. I quickly grabbed his hand, and dragged him down the hallway in the opposite direction of Maddie and Jasmine. The crowds in the hallways hid us.

"How are you?"I asked.
"I'm great! you?"
"I'm go-od" I stuttered. I could feel my cheeks flush red. "You're nervous, aren't ya" he laughed. "Uh maybe" I giggled. Just then I realised, that we were alone on the top floor. Everyone had scrambled to get their lunch. It was just us. "It's cute when you're nervous" he said, moving s strand of hair away from my eyes. I kept silent. Again, that same feeling-flooded though my blood. He looked so perfect looking down at me. I liked everything about him. I wanted him to kiss me, again. But deep down, I knew it was impossible. I had no chance with this boy, who I was crazy for. He was yet so close but so faraway.

I felt as if I had seen what was happening somewhere else before. Like exactly the same. Where the boy has a girlfriend, but he gets in with other girls and leads them on. It was so familiar, I feel like I've seen it with my own eyes.

I must of looked so stupid, because when I snapped out of it... Jack was looking at me, confused. "You okay?" He asked, smiling his crooked smile "uh yeah" I said quickly. God I make things so awkward. I looked around, trying to think of something to say. "Wanna ditch?" He said smirking, "um sorry, I can't, I really have to go" I said, leaving him alone in the lonely, bare, hallway. "Another time?!" He called after me. I could hear the desperation in his voice, he really liked my company, I think. I turned around. He looked so disappointed that I left him like that. I was tempted to run to him. Wrap my legs round his waist, him twirl me round, and kiss him passionately. But I didn't. "Yeah" I said.

After my realisation, I had felt weird, uncomfortable. I don't know if I can trust Jack, something isn't right.

I keep changing my mind. One minute I wanna run up to him, and tell him I love him. The next, I wanna scream at him- for letting me fall for him, and being so stupid, even though he has a girlfriend. Well guess what? Life is full of complications. That's for sure.