Do you know what it takes for me to walk out the door?
Absolutely nothing.
I can skip right out of that portal
with a smile on my face
as I push the nerves so far down
they can't even see the sunshine
I'm walking into.
But so much happens behind the barrier of my bedroom door.
Pep talks don't work. Not anymore.
Deep breathing, pssshhhh.
That's how I breathe anyway.
No I have resorted to a much more effective (and by effective I mean not effective,
but I do it anyway)
method and that is numbing.
I just make myself forget enough so that walking out the door doesn't seem so rough. Whatever happens in the house is
warded off at the threshold.
It is pushed back so far that I would have to drown in a sea of thoughts to find my troubles.
Only my problems are stubborn and they fight me every day.
It is a struggle to keep the hardship at bay,
and I fight to stay sane.
Stay in your right mind is work,
is what I say,
It is so much easier to be insane.
There are days where I can feel the thin thread that my sanity is hanging from fray,
stretched to its limit threatening to give way, and plummet me off the deep end.
So why do I do it?
Why do I walk through the door everyday?
Maybe because I believe that
the answer to my problems is out there,
beyond the confines of my room.
Maybe because I want to meet others who struggle too.
Maybe I have some hope that it can get better for me and you if only
we find each other and stick together.
And maybe, just maybe,
my hope will one day lead me to you.
SK
