I know it is going to happen,
I know it has happened already.
They mistake my distance
and noncommittal phrases
for a problem,
something that they can fix
if I just talk about it.
But they have mistuderstood.
My "attitude" is a defense mechanism
so that there will not be a problem later on.
It is the way that I protect myself
from the disappointment I know I will face when things happen just the way I expect.
Many things happen just the way
I expect them to
and I used to hold out for some hope
that maybe it would be different this time,
but no longer.
Now I know that hope is not viewed in the decision making process, and my feelings do not come into it.
So once I know what the outcome will be I can then successfully work on not caring so much.
I am a person that words will cut up,
a facial expression can do me in for days,
a tone of voice or noise of an awkward silence can be debilitating for me,
so in order to survive
without getting my heart cracked everytime something occurs,
I learn to not care.
I learn to just ignore that it is there,
to forget that it was something
that bothered me to the core.
And the more I practice,
the more I become better at schooling
my features into a blank board.
No ridges or ticked jaws
no creased eyes of anxiety
or the intensity of disappointment.
It is not the best method I agree,
but in the game of survival
we take what we get until
something else comes along.
SK
A/N: I'm not really happy with this on but it'll have to do for now. After all not everything has to be perfect. I'd love to know what you guys think! Leave a comment if you want:)
Love always,
SK
