Chapter 75
I was leaving everything behind. The memories, the feelings- everything that was reminded of them would be left at that house, not coming back to me again. The times when mum took me to school with Maher, the times I cried at school because I wanted mum, the times when I had reached puberty and was scared but she assured me that it was quite normal, the times when me and Maher used to play pranks on the rest of the family, the times when that night happened and they kept asking me what was wrong, the times when Maher believed in me and had the whole family in front of him, the times when my dad didn't want me to wear the hijab because he was scared that I would get hurt- everything, every single memory was going to be forgotten. It was the only way that I could survive and live for the rest of my life, not knowing where they are and how they are doing.
I felt arms around me from behind, that hugged me awkwardly loosely. I didn't want to turn around and hug him, even though my heart wanted it. It was over. I needed to do this for Karim. Before I could say something, Maher let go and I walked out of the door, saying nothing. He didn't stop me, and that ws enough for me to know. When he closed the door, I looked back for the last time. The house that I grew up in was the only thing I would miss, since the rest would be left here.
~
I raced towards her apartment. I was driving so fast that I could've had an accident already if I didn't watch out. Maher told me that she was moving, leaving this country. I punched the steering wheel. She was just making things even more complicated. I felt a pang in my chest when I reached her street. It was the same dirty street, but it meant so much to me. It held so many memories between me and Manar. I parked the car in front of her apartment and got out, hoping that she didn't leave. I pressed on the doorbell of her apartment, but no one opened. When I saw that the door was open already, I went in, getting upstairs as fast as I could. I started banging on the door, wanting nothing more than to have the door opened. The neighbour opened the door and looked at me.
"If you are looking for Manar, she isn't home. She moved out a few weeks ago" he said. So she didn't come back here. Where would she be then?
"Do you know where she is staying?" I asked him. He nodded, which made relief flow through my veins.
"She is down with Thea, I think you know her" he replied and I could've slapped myself then. I knew she was there, I even went there! I shook my head, walking downstairs. I pressed on the doorbell and my heart was about to jump out of my chest. When the door opened, her scent hit me that made me close my eyes. Inhaling the sweetness of her made me want to hug her so badly, but I needed to hold myself.
"Stay.." I heard myself whisper. I opened my eyes and looked her in the eyes, her face looking tired and worn. She was looking at me with a confused face, and even I didn't understand myself.
"Don't do this because of me, don't ruin your future" I tried to reason with her in that way.
"I'm not ruining my future- I'm starting again, somewhere else, without the people that hurt me" okay, I deserved that one. I needed to tell her the truth, but I knew she wouldn't believe anyways.
"Just.. just stay, Manar. It would make it all easier" it would make it easier for my heart, I thought to myself. She folded her arms.
"I thought of you as being loyal. You weren't loyal with me, so at least be loyal with Hafsa" she said with her harsh tone that made me angry all the time. That was not her, that was not her sweet voice that calmed me everytime I was stressed.
"Manar, you don't understa-"
"What do I not understand Kamal?! That you are married to my freaking cousin? The sister of the guy who raped me and left me pregnant? The sister of the guy who ruined my future? Now you come here, belonging to her, asking me to stay? What is your plan now, Kamal? Cause I would like to know before I get lost in your chess game that I don't know how to play" she said, which made me angry. I took a step forward, but took two back when I realized she was afraid.
"Are you.. are you scared of me?" I asked her in disbelief. It was the first time where she was walking away when having her mind right. Normally she would walk away when she is remembering Nourdin.
"Well, tell me, give me a reason not to. You have been betraying me from the beginning with the ones I was most scared of. How could I not be afraid of you?" she said, still getting everything wrong.
"We need to talk" I said, wanting to tell her everything. But for that, she needed to calm down. This was getting ridiculous.
"No we don't. Go away Kamal" she said, wanting to close the door, but I hold it so she couldn't.
"Stay, just stay and please, we need to talk" I said, wanting one more chance to explain myself. She opened the door widely, looking me in the eyes.
"What do you want? Why do you want me to stay?!" she said, looking into my eyes with a look that I wanted to wash off. I got so angry because of her attitude that I didn't realize that I punched the wall next to the door, not breaking any eye-contact.
"Because I love you, dammit, I love you so badly!"
~~~~~~~
oh gooooooooooood confessionn
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