Him vs Her

Chapter 61

Two months into Uni, I was not having it. It wasn't as fun as I thought it would be, like at all and having Louis here didn't make that much of a difference. I barely saw him for one. At least my roommate Ezra wasn't a shitty person, she is so nice I can't even. I shook my head, hoping to get back to the whole point of my sitting in front of my laptop.

I sighed, facing my laptop with an open, empty document staring blankly back at me, as if taunting me. I didn't want to write, not now. I didn't have any ideas. My mind was elsewhere. I typed the title, but soon deleted it. I closed the laptop and blinked twice. I stared at the clock, it was ticking and ticking. This essay will never be finished, not like this. I tried to push all Harry related thoughts at the back of my mind (basically most of my thoughts).

I opened the laptop again, sighed deeply and thought as hard as I could to think of something, anything, whatever, just so long as it's not him. I couldn't even think of an introduction, my mind kept going back to him. It was no use, I couldn't control it. Now he's in my every dream and every thought, I am totally consumed by him. Does he know how much I need him? No one knows how hard it is to stop thinking about him, it's simply impossible. Sometimes the worst place you can be is in your own head, but I like to think that it's also the best place to be. I contemplated whether the thoughts of Harry were positive or not. It was like my mind, at that moment was the best, worst place to be. The essay was long forgotten as my mind went back to the first time I met green eyes.

You know when you look at someone, who is famous for example, you get that feeling. That exhilarating feeling and you know, you just know that that person is amazing. Even if you have never physically met or spoke to them; you love them and feel for them, you know them. They are suddenly a part of you and you are a part of them. They inspire you in more ways than one, every day. They always find a way to make you smile, even if by saying the dumbest things. You admire them, adore them, and stand by them.

The bond created between an artist and their fans is undeniable and you feel as though, nothing and nobody could ever, not in a million years, break the bond developed. The bond is invisible but it is there. Although it can't be seen, it is a link; a relationship and despite you being miles apart from someone, you still manage to feel connected to the other person. The bond is strong but it is made of glass. I don't know how else to sum it up. But you feel it, you know it's there. You are intertwined with that other person. Isn't it amazing to feel a connection with someone who barley knows your existence? The power of love, everyone. I am millions of miles away from Harry and I feel like that glass bond is shattering, getting smashed to smithereens. It's present but fragile.

How do I feel without him? Huh, I ask myself that every day. The only way to explain it is, um it's like, when you feel like you are drowning, but not because of water. When you feel like the air from your lungs, but mentally. When you feel like you're being suffocated, but not physically. That's how I feel when I know that Harry and I are apart and it's my entire fault. I'm to blame and I'll take the blame, it is my damn fault.

My thoughts echo through my brain and clouds form around my head. My mind is breaking, I can't handle the guilt, knowing I could have done something, said something, and stayed. It wouldn't have worked out either way; High school sweethearts never end up together, you need to get that in that thick head of yours, my sub consciousness stated and I knew I was right.

Sometimes I just wish I could just drop everything in a heartbeat, jump on a plane and fly all the way to see him. The second I'd see him I'd shower him with kisses and tackle him with hugs. I die a little every time I think of doing so but it would do me no good. In fact, it would kill me all the more if I actually did it because I'd eventually have to leave and I don't think I could handle saying goodbye, again.

I can't fight that feeling; emptiness, void and I feel it every day, especially when I'm alone in bed. I think of him. I think of how I wish he was here to hold me while I sleep. All I dream of is him, even when my mind is at rest it tends to go back to him. I dream of him being with me. He literally lives in my imagination. I've even imagined him lying next to me in bed but it's only my mind playing tricks on me, it's not real. I did steal his sweater and yes, it smells like him and yeah, it reminds me of him but it's not the same. Sleeping with his sweater isn't helping, is it? I can't stop missing him, and I think I should.

I don't quite think I'll ever forget how he looked at me, when I left him. There was something in the way he looked at me leave though. It was so unusual of him to look at me, the way that he did. His eyes, something about his eyes, his eyes gave him away; there was sadness in his eyes and something else, I just can't put my finger on it.

I won't put my mind at ease until I know if he truly meant all that he said, or if it all that was said was just in the heat of the moment. I try to breathe but there's no air. I try to speak but all words are abruptly drained out of my mouth. What is happening to me? Harry is a big part of my life but he is not my life. I began questioning my sanity as this point, it shouldn't be hard to get him out of my head so why is it? I need to occupy myself, get my mind off of him, dare I say, forget him. College is a new start, a fresh new page of my brand new chapter. I will write whatever I please and life will play out perfectly. This is the future and I suppose the future consists of only me, there's no you and I, just the 'I'. That's how it has to be and that's how it will be. My heart won't interfere with my education and my future. I know that it doesn't have to be binary thinking, it doesn't have to be either or, but I don't exactly have a choice in the matter. I just need to accept it.

I need to mature a bit and put all my attention and focus on college. I feel like if I bury myself in school and perhaps a job, I just might get Harry off my mind; Even if just for a while, even if I don't want to. I don't ever want to forget how his voice sounds, how his kiss feels, how he makes me feel but for now, that's how it has to be, it just is and I don't want to ask why any more. It is what it is.

What the hell am I doing? I felt like I had given up and that wasn't me. I don't give up, I'm not a quitter. I can't. I'm torn between two worlds and I can't pick one over the other but I feel like I must.

Stop Skylar, stop! Stop doing this to yourself. Don't think, just do. Live in the moment, don't overthink or overanalyze anything. Just like you blurt out whatever comes to your mind, do whatever comes to your mind.

Am I talking to myself? Holy shit, I really am insane.

Fuck this shit; I need sleep maybe that can restore my sanity. I only know one person that can be able to reinstate my saneness. I fall asleep with his name on my tongue.

As I drift off to sleep, I dream about the ongoing conflict inside my mind.