Him vs Her

Chapter 68

I missed two weeks' worth of lectures because I was crying in bed – eating anything I found and dying my hair blonder. I didn't tell Ezra the full story but she realised he had laid his hands on me because when I changed she noticed a bruise on my back. She didn't say anything when she saw it, just hugged me as hard as she could - which I appreciated, I did not want to talk about it.

For whole weeks my whole body hurt – physically hurt and I feared it. So, I decided I'd make it hurt only this time It would be because I wanted it to. I started working out again, running three times a week in the morning and going to the gym with Ezra on the weekends. Jake had offered to help me with weight training, but I had declined assuming his intentions were not entirely pure. If I am being honest, I had wanted to accept but a rebound is not what I need right now – it only fucks with my head further. Exercise was a great alternative to catharsis which I discovered was only making me feel worse. Hitting a pillow only makes you want to suffocate the person you are imaging the pillow as. While it feels incredible – I don't want to go to prison by feeding the flame of my anger further. I didn't know if I even had a right to be mad at him. And maybe the person I'm really mad at is myself. I also got really good at lying that I was okay so people would stop overwhelming me with 'Are you okays' and 'Are you Fines'.  My state of mind wasn't being questioned anywhere mostly because I had just been depressing to be around so people satrted to actively avoided me and I didn't blame them, because, hell, I barely wanted to hang out around me. 

I thought the universe was truly playing tricks on me as I saw Harry's favourite hoodie in the body of another man staring right at me, walking down the street. It was like some sick joke, as if to mock me, like something I was supposed to notice. This was like some kind of a trigger, as soon enough my brain flooded with sweet memories of the hoodie.

fuck, how I didn't wanna be that girl, I thought as I watched the hoodie that made me smile every time I put it on.

That girl that is actually broken after a breakup, that girl that's so consumed with her relationship she forgets what it feels like to be alone with herself. That girl who feels lost without her boyfriend. That girl that begins to be defined as Harry's girlfriend and she forgets any other identity she had that doesn't revolve around him. That girl that wants him to be happy even after everything. That girl that wants to forgive him because she knows at heart, he's a good person. That girl that can't see herself without him, ever, at all. 

Shit, I was. 

How it smelt. Like whom it smelt. How I wore it so much that he had decided to give it to me, while pretending that he didn't want to. Little did he know, I had seen the little smile that crept on his face when he faked 'giving in' and gave it to me. How I could picture the exact place where it hung and on which side of the closet it lay. I wanted to put my head through a wall maybe that would make me forget all those little moments when I felt like I was floating, so weightless, and happy. Truly happy. I still have that stupid beanie I stole right off of his head. I wear it when I can't resist myself.

However, I then had a heartfelt conversation with Ezra and for the first time since this bullshit storm started, I felt like myself again. 

"I know I'm not technically an affectionate person by definition," I started.

"Or at all," Ezra joked. That kind of joke you frame as one but mean every word of.

"But I want you to know I appreciate you for tolerating me for so long, especially after Harry and erm, I just - I want you to tell me if you are ever not okay. I don't want you to pretend and say, 'I'm fine' or brush me off. You never ever pretended that you believed my 'I'm fine' and kept asking me if I truly was. And I just love you so much for that, and when I ask you if you're okay, please don't lie to me because I can see through you," my voice began cracking and I was tearing up. Whoa, this is so not me. "...and don't you ever feel guilty about telling me all the amazing things happening in your life even if mine is actual trash." She laughed at this, wiping the tear that slipped her eye and pulled me close to her. I didn't want this hug to end, like ever.