Lost and Found

Chapter 43

Wali.

Punching the button of the lift I turned again to stare at the wooden door I just came out from, anger, hurt, betrayal and all kind of emotions were hitting me like waves. I got back from work thinking of getting a rest behind the woman I love but how can I? when she had been stuck with the essence of another man still in her life. I am tired of giving her chances, of thinking that maybe there would be a day when it would be purely us but today she just crashed it all down. The opening of the lift made me took a step back, I needed to be out of here, pushing the button for the basement I rested my back and closed my eyes. My head has started throbbing again but right now I just need sometime to think alone.

As I stepped out of the lift I quickly made my way towards the car, after unlocking it and getting inside I drove out, I didn't know where I was heading to but just driving around might help me out, my mind was busy thinking about everything and anything, from all the hard work all of us have been doing from months and how it could have been come crashing down because of one stupid mistake I made, from the tense atmosphere in the office today and how everyone was running around, from how dad and chachu were gulping their medicines just to keep themselves normal and stayed with us till the late hours of night, I was sorry for bailing out on Khadija, I was sorry for messing it all up, but now how she has accused me with the same disgusted tone she used on me eight years ago and it had felt like a slap right across my face.

Years, years I tried to forget it and just because I failed to be there she brought it up and threw it right on me, I knew anyone would have been mad if they would be in her place, I respected it and I was trying to make it up to her but what frustrated me that instead of understanding and thinking about how nerve wrecking the entire day was for me she accused me with a disgusting accusation. For the first time in eight months I was again doubting our relationship and all what I have offered in it. My hold on steering wheel tightened as the thought of another man in her life also crossed my mind, how can it be possible to hate someone with such an extent and on top of it without even knowing them.

So this what it feels like to be compared, to compete for someone's heart.

The roads were completely deserted at this hour of the early morning, it was sometime after three and I had just been aimlessly driving from last one hour, my mind was still not at ease and I found myself opening the glove compartment as I parked the car in front of a park, taking out the cigarette box which Sabih hid in my car because of dad and everyone else I took one of it out and searched around for a lighter which I was sure he had kept there, it had been ages since I had one of these in my hands. I quit long time ago when my medical condition started getting severe but after years of avoiding it I again found myself lighting the cigarette, with one hand I worked on the lighter as the other was covering the flame while the little stick of temporary relief or -more like something other than Khadija to think about- was between my lips, I scoffed as I blew the puff of smoke.

Stick by stick I smoked around six of those death wishers when I felt my phone vibrating in my pants, groaning I took the device out, my eyes went wide as I saw the alarm notification on my phone, I cursed under my breath as I realized I have been blowing out smokes when it's time for fajar, a huge part of me was now crashed by wave of guilt of not turning to Allah when I could have just prayed and asked for relief instead I decided on these worldly and most importantly deadly comfort. Throwing out a half lit cigarette I ignited the car engine again and drove back to the place I ran from.

Entering the same deadly calm apartment I was again at stress, but this time instead of making my way towards our bedroom, I chose one of the guest room but not before giving a glance to the door behind which she was.