Rediscovering Reality

The Calm

Hermione

I thought that death would be different. 

It was.... empty. Well rather insanely empty if i'm being honest. No beginning or end. No horizon line to follow. 

Just- colorless. Not white or beige or black. 

And somehow also all of those. 

There are lots of accounts... people who say that they almost died and that they felt a light calling them back to the present. 

At this moment, there was no light. 

I was.... lonely. 

I didn't think it was possible to feel anymore alone than i had felt in Australia, but here i was. Feeling it 10 fold. 

The dull ache in my chest persisted, despite the vast nothingness around me. 

"What am i supposed to do?" I whispered, into the air. 

There was no response. 

"I said what am i supposed to do?! Huh?!?" I yelled this time, and not even an echo returned. 

"I have nothing left.... not down there. Not.... not anything that wants me anyways." I kicked myself mentally for feeling so useless. Since when did i ever feel the need to have people around me to get through things. 

The painful truth that echoed through my own head was that i had always been like that. That in fact not only did i always need that... but there would always be cause for me to need that. 

Because ever since first year I had wanted friends who would stick by me thorugh everything. Wanted someone to stand by me.... help me.... and not just let me do everything for them. 

"You've taken everything!!" I yelled again into the abyss. 

"So what am i supposed to do?! There's nothing left!!!" I found my lungs beginning to ache as i yelled into the emptiness. 

Somewhere out there was a family confused. Weeping the loss of a daughter... not for the first time i imagine. 

But how was that my problem? I mean i wasn't even sure that i was their daughter. 

I felt faint all of a sudden. 

When was the last time i had eaten... with Dean and Seamus... but before that?

Oh god who knows... i had been so focused on finding my family. 

I would always have Harry and Ron and Ginny and the rest of the Weasleys. I mean they always said they'd be there. 

But where were they while you searched for your parents? Huh? Exactly. They hadn't even bothered to send an owl. Or try and contact you. They weren't even concerned with you in the slightest. Or maybe they were. But... you don't need others to be complete. 

Don't I? I mean i don't need others logically.... but it sure as hell makes living a whole lot easier. 

"What am i doing?" I whispered to no one. 

I was always the one who did calculated risks. Risks that i felt i new the outcome of. Or i could fix the outcome if it went horrendously wrong. But now i couldn't do that. This was uncharted waters with no directions. There was no moral imperative for me to stay or go. Only what i wanted. 

I could count on one hand the amount of decisions I had made while thinking about myself. 

But now... well if i wanted to explore this new family that had presented itself. To delve into the unknown... i could.

And if i didn't want to i didn't have to... it was as simple as that. 

And as complicated. 

Perhaps.... it wouldn't be so bad to see what happened. 

After all even Bilbo Baggins listened in on the conversation of the quest before deciding if he wanted to. 

I inhaled deeply and closed my eyes slowly.