Letters to my lover..

24

Dear love,
           I don't want to get a pep talk, like I really just want to kill myself. I can't take this! I wish you could see how I am right now. Hear what I'm telling myself to do. Yeah I may have not been through the worse but I have been through enough to put me in the situation where I want to kill myself. I don't want love, I don't want people to be near me, I want to drown in my own tears until I die. I want to hear the cries of people calling my name and begging for me to come back to life. I want to see my dad one last time before I go, before I disappear from this god awful earth, where there are dead living souls that haunt us, where there are creatures that want to sweep us up and eat us alive. I want to leave all my beautiful friends behind and let them see that I wasn't meant to be. I want you to understand that I love you and I'm always trying to make you smile and laugh because I know I don't ever want to see you be hurt like me. I want you to be the happy person I could have never been. The girl that is always smiling, I always have a pout and if im smiling, then you know that person is actually making me happy in THAT moment. When I get alone, all I see is darkness and I see figures beside me and watching me telling me that I should leave soon. Telling me that I'm never good enough for anybody. I was never and still am not the pretty girl that people want. I'm never gonna met a good man that would actually want to treat me well. What man in this world actually is a night and shinning armer? No man, all I see in men is the hatred that my dad has left behind in my dreams. No one can help me not even my therapist. My mother wants to "save" me but how can you save something that's already dead? You can't that's the thing. I've shown you my scars and you didn't judge me... Elijah saw my scars and kissed them, Domo saw them and said that I was stupid. He didn't give a fuck that I did it, he didn't want to help me, then again, who does? I've dreamed about death for so long now. I can just see it at the end of the tunnel. I've wished to god every night (even when I'm at your place) that I don't wake up the next morning just so I won't wake up and feel that jolt of pain rush through my body over and over again. On road trips or even just driving to the store I wish the car would flip and I would die but my family would survive. I wish death upon myself everyday. I want it, I need it. I want to feel loved one day but then again the only time I will get that love is when I'm 6 feet under the ground. That's  when everybody wants to start to care about the worthless piece of shit that was once named Me, but I don't want anybody at my funeral. I just want the spirits that are around me to welcome me to the dark side, welcome me to the gates of hell. I want to see that red face of lucifer and pray to him and ask him to give me everything that I've always wanted. The dream, oh god the dream, a few night back I had a dream about  you Elijah in a secret relationship with Isabella (my best friend) and I found out. I found you two  kissing in a store and you just told me that you never loved me and you used me to get to Isabella. I left and wen to go find you but when I found you, you pushed me down and told me to 'fuck off' that I was not even worth your time. That I was a piece of shit. I am nothing to everybody and that I will always be nothing. Everything I do I'm judged for. I remember when you would ask me if your mom hurt my feelings when she would make a remark about me? and I said 'no I'm fine', I lied, every little thing she said about me killed me more and more because it stuck in my head and that's how I figured other people saw me as. Mothers never liked me and I fucking hate that because all I am to people is nice and I get hated for no reason. I HATE my life don't get me wrong  you are a fucking blessing to me. I don't know what I would have done if I haven't met you but still, I hate my life no matter what happens. Until the day I die or until I find someone that actually will treat me good (which if that is soon) then I will maybe like my life a little. I'm alone and I don't know what to do.

                                                            Love~me~💔