Anything Goes (Scomiche)

Worn

So this is just something I quickly wrote. I haven't edited or read through it again. Things kind of suck and Mitch is me right now. It helped me to try to write things out so I did.

Apologies if it sucks, I wrote it for me with no intent of doing anything with it.

He was worn down, that's all there was to it.

It was weeks upon weeks of just being on the go constantly, the only time he got to be home being when he had to shower or sleep.

And while normally it wasn't so bad and he had gotten used to this busy life, even grown to love it, this was too much. At least they'd have a day off somewhere in there where he could relax in bed, mindlessly scrolling through tumblr or watching YouTube videos. But now, now he can't remember the last time he got to do that. He can't remember the last time he got more than 15 minutes of alone time, and that was just when he showered, he didn't count that.

The worst part was that there was no end in sight. If he knew he had a day coming up where he could mentally check out, he'd push himself until then, knowing relief was on the way. Except there was none this time. No matter how he rearranged things or tried to work around things, there was always something. An appearance, an interview, filming, commitments he couldn't get out of, taunting him on his calendar. He stared at his planner and He felt like all these things were just laughing at him, smiling at him slipping and enjoying his pain.

All these events where he had to be mentally there, not just pretend to be happy and enjoy himself. He had to actually put forth effort to try and be himself. It apparently wasn't working though.

He'd get thousands of tweets of fans concerned for him because 'he wasn't acting himself' or 'he looks tired.' Except most of them weren't that simple and nice. It was more along the lines of 'he seems like he's in a bad mood, he could at least try to be happy,' or 'wow he looks like death, maybe he should sleep or stop doing so much. He looks sick.' The remarks were too much. It was just all too much. So he deleted the app off his phone. He wanted to just deactivate but he could imagine the uproar that would bring and it was more he just couldn't deal with.

If the fans noticed, then he was sure his friends noticed, the band and managers noticed. But no one said anything to him, no one treated him any differently. He wasn't the one to talk about how he was feeling, to talk about what he was going through. He never wanted to be a burden on anyone and if he talked about his problems he was sure he would just annoy people. He would always go about his day as best he could and then when night time came he'd just cry himself to sleep. Most of the time, when he did what he was supposed to, people didn't even notice there was anything wrong.

It was a love hate relationship with that, not letting anyone in. When things were bad he was best at pushing people away because he never wanted to drag someone else down or bring his problems on someone else. But he so desperately wanted someone to just be there, to love on him and tell him things would be okay. To listen if he felt like talking or to tell him that it's okay to feel this way. But most of all he just wanted someone to lay in silence with him, someone to understand that he wanted to be alone, but not lonely, to have the comfort while he sorted things out in his mind.

Today was a day where he tried his hardest to just make it through, to be on his best behavior and to act like everything was okay. He didn't want anyone to worry about him. He sat quietly while the band did an interview, kept his eyes focused on his phone while the band played around between interviews, and just kept to himself.

Mitch wanted someone to notice, wanted someone to validate his feelings and make him feel like he was important, just without him actually saying anything, if that makes any sense. Not that he expected his friends to be mind readers, and he didn't want to seem like he was seeking attention, but for not even his friends to notice something wasn't right, it felt to him like maybe they didn't care as much as he thought they did.