Anything Goes (Scomiche)

Regret

Mitch remembered the one he loved so many years ago. He wondered where he was, whose arms got to hold him the way he'd longed to. He wondered if he ever thought of Mitch. More than anything though, he wondered if he was happy. Mitch wanted him to be happy.

He'd been so afraid of losing him that he'd pushed him away. The one thing he'd been trying to prevent was the one thing that he ended up forcing. Mitch could have never imagined life without Scott, but now he was living it. Every single day.

So how does that happen? How do you love someone so much that you leave them? It was easier than you'd think. He'd been so in love. He would have given anything to be with him, but when Scott had come clean about his feelings, he'd been too scared to confess his own. So he ran. He was terrified of altering a relationship they'd spent years building and instead just ruined everything. He'd left everything behind and started anew. If you could even call it that. When he left, he thought it would be easier, that not being around Scott 24/7 would help dissipate his feelings for him and make moving on easier. It didn't. If anything, he'd become numb to his surroundings, to his feelings. Nothing gave him happiness anymore. Hell, he couldn't even feel sad anymore. He just felt empty, all the damn time.

He'd remembered those first few weeks after he moved away. Mitch would spend almost every waking hour thinking about Scott, wanting him. He cried, more than he ever thought possible. He cried for everything he lost, for everything he could have gained, and for hurting the person he loved most. Everything had reminded him of Scott. He couldn't even listen to his beloved Beyoncé anymore because of the painful memories that her music brought him. Like when they would blast her music at 3am and wake the neighbors, or when they went to her concert. He hated the memories, they crushed his heart, but they were the only thing he had of Scott, so he cherished them.

He thought about going back after a short period of time had passed, when he felt like the pain in his chest was becoming unbearable, but once again, he never found the courage. He didn't think he could face him after what he said and did to Scott. Mitch was convinced Scott would be the one to reject him this time, and he couldn't handle that kind of pain on top of what he was already feeling and going through.

He'd tried to move on, to replace the blank space in his heart that Scott alone could fill, but obviously that wasn't happening because here he was, still thinking about him. It still hurt Mitch to think about Scott, even all these years later, but he couldn't help it. That blond had a hold on Mitch's heart and he always would, because he left it with Scott when he ran away that day. It pained him to know that he wasn't the one making Scott smile anymore, or comforting Scott when things went wrong. Someone else got to fill those shoes he so desperately wanted.

He didn't know how to move on anyways. How do you go keep going on with your life like nothing happened when you lose the person who had the most influence in it? When you lose the person you had your future planned with? Mitch always pictured his future involving Scott, even if that meant being just friends. But that was ripped out from underneath of him so fast, he had no idea what to do now.

Mitch regretted that day more than anything. Seeing the look on Scott's face when he denied him. Seeing the look on Scott's face when he ran away, trying so hard to not turn back to look at him, but doing it anyway, knowing it may be the last time he would see Scott. That image would forever haunt him. Every time he closed his eyes, he saw that face.

If he could change one thing in his life, he would change that moment. He would tell Scott just how much he loved him. He would show Scott just how much he loved him. Hell, if he could do it now he probably would. But what would he do? Show up at his house, years after breaking his heart, and say "Hey Scott, I love you too," and expect them to just ride off into the sunset? This isn't a fairytale, it's real life, and it doesn't work that way. For all he knew, Scott had moved on. As much as it pained him to think about it, Mitch hoped he did.

For now, Mitch would just have to continue living his life, continue going through the motions everyday, continue living with the thought of Scott forever engraved in the back of his mind, and his love for that man surrounding his heart.