Anything Goes (Scomiche)

Good Enough

You cling on to the hope that things will be different this time around, but it's not. It's always the same. Every time you give all you have, and every time it's another let down, another disappointment.

He puts on a show to win you back. He says things will be different this time, that he's different, that he learned his lesson. He says he loves you, says he'll do anything to win your heart and your trust back. He says anything to make you feel guilty, to make you feel like this was your fault, you're the bad guy. He says anything to make you come back, to make you convince yourself that you're starting anew and that you need him.

You hang on to every word he says, despite how they make you feel. You love him. You care about what he thinks. You care too much.

You always say, one more time. This is the last time. But it never is, is it? In the back of your mind, you know it won't be the last time. You know you're desperate enough to keep going back, even though you already know this will end the same way it always does, because you hold on to that hope. That hope that this time things are changing. That hope that one day he'll see what's going on, and be a real man.

You go back, no matter how humiliated you are, thinking things have changed. But sooner or later you have to open your eyes and realize they haven't, that they stayed the same, if not worse because this time you're dealing with the heartache, the emptiness, the helplessness.

The pain never gets easier. Despite how many times you've been through it, it gets worse.

And when realization hits that nothing has changed, everything starts to feel like a dream, like it doesn't feel real. This can't be happening to you again. It's like you're paralyzed, sitting idly by, watching it all unfold again.

He wasn't who you made him out to be in your head, who you thought he could be. And it's just another let down. Another heart break. Another piece of you that got ripped out.

He already took so much from you, parts he never deserved, parts he abused, parts he always tried to put back together, piece by piece, correctly or incorrectly, only for him to tear them apart again.

It leaves scars. Scars you'll be sure to pick at for years to come.

You don't know any better. This is what you've lived with for so long. You thought you knew what love was. That love was this pain, this heartache, those spurts of happiness in the beginning that change drastically to anger, or to heavy hearted sadness.

It's all so unpredictable. Never knowing what's going to happen. There's nothing like the stomach dropping uncertainty of having no control or say over someone who is so intimately tied to your emotions. It's like lingering on the edge of a cliff, waiting to be pushed off.

Your heart constantly feels heavy in your chest, a weight, bringing you down. Making it hard to breathe, like there's not enough oxygen in the world

The change that you want never happens.

You change more than the person you wanted to change because you lose pieces of yourself waiting, lose pieces of yourself when you give in and go back, and in the end, you're the one that's different, you're the one who's changed. You're not who you used to be. You don't even know who you are anymore. You're broken. The pieces that he's taken, pieces that you've tried to put back together yourself, just don't quite fit how they should, leaving you with empty, open, vulnerable places.

Sometimes there's nothing you can do. Sometimes you have nothing left to fight with. You've done all you can, given all you have.

You hate everything he puts you through, just as much as you think you love him.

But what if it's you? What if the problem, is you?

You feel like you're not good enough. That your best isn't enough. No matter what you do, or what you say, it's never enough.

When you feel like you've tried everything you possibly can, exhausted all your options, and you still come up short.

You strive to please him, strive to make him proud of you, or love you even half as much as you love him.

You even try pretending to be someone you're not, because you think that's what he wants, someone better than you. You hide parts of yourself away in an effort to be what you think he wants, what you think he needs.

When even that doesn't work, you're left hopeless.

You're left feeling empty, lonely. Like you're so small. The things around you are getting bigger and you're shrinking.

When the person you care about the most makes you feel like you're not good enough, not good enough for him, not good enough for anybody, you can't help but start to take those words to heart, to believe what he says, to convince yourself that it must be true if he says it. No matter how many times you try to tell yourself otherwise, you just don't believe it anymore. It's one thing to say it out loud, that what he says doesn't matter, and maybe act like it doesn't affect you, but it's another thing to actually believe it. To actually believe that he's wrong, that maybe you are good enough. You might not be good enough for him, but you are more than enough for someone else.

But you can't.

You've gone all this time, being told over and over again, being shown over and over again, that you're not good enough. It sticks in your mind. It's always there. You never forget it. Everything you do in life, is based off of that feeling, off that belief. You don't socialize much, for fear of others thinking the same thing about you. You don't step out or take chances. You worry that he's out finding someone better than you, since it can't be that hard too. You second guess everything you choose, wondering if it's the wrong choice. You're uncertain of everything. You don't even trust yourself to make a decision.

You're a shell of who you once were.

You aren't who you wanted to be, who you thought you would be. You had goals. You had dreams. They seem so far away now. You're too scared to go for them. Your past self would be ashamed at how you turned out.

One day his words won't matter. One day what he thinks won't matter. One day you'll be strong enough. One day.