Anything Goes (Scomiche)

Friends

As I lie awake, I can see the outline of his body thanks to the light peeking through the space between my curtains and the window. Part of me hopes that it's something more romantic causing that light, like the moon, and not the street lamp right outside my room.

But maybe I shouldn't hope for anything romantic as I lay next to him in a bed made for one person in my dorm room with my shelves overflowing with books and the small laundry pile forming in the corner. I know that if someone walked in on this, it could easily be perceived as us being in a relationship, but I also know we can't be that.

We can't be more than friends, even with him laying a few inches from me, even with the way he treats me, even with how he kisses me. We can only be friends because he can't leave him.

He was supposed too. He had planned to anyways. That was until his boyfriend's grades started slipping, until he started drinking more, until he was told his mom had cancer. He couldn't possibly leave his boyfriend now. It wouldn't be fair, not when he needs the support most, but I don't know where that leaves us.

There are so many risks we've been taking up until now. If someone found out about the nights we share, or the stolen glances when we think no one's looking, if someone were to find out I don't know what would happen. I don't know where that would put us, and I'm confused enough as it is. I'm afraid that would be the end, that I couldn't even pretend to be friends with him anymore, and I think my heart would collapse in on itself until I couldn't feel anything anymore.

In my pretend romantic moonlight I can see the way his hair falls on his face, pieces of dark hair covering his eyes. His breathing is slow and steady. It's the only sound I can hear, even over the shit Constantinople song the drunk girl is singing outside, and I feel at peace, like this is where I belong. The only sound that comforts me, and let's me know I'm not so numb. It's only him.

Laying here has me flashing back to when we first spent the night together. He was locked out of his dorm, again, and by the time I had found him he was slumped in front of the door, head leaned back with his eyes closed. When you take a tour of the school, they let you know that the beds are made for single use, one person only, and we found out that night that they weren't kidding. To say it was awkward was an understatement. My back was pressed firmly up against the wall, and he was half hanging off the other side when we found a comfortable distance. He had offered to take the floor, but it was late and we were too lazy to clear it. When we woke the next morning, legs intertwined, chest to chest, I knew what was happening. I knew I was getting in over my head, but I let myself fall for him anyways. I let him take a piece of me knowing full well I may not get one from him, or ever get mine back.

I can remember our first kiss, like it was still happening. The nervousness we both felt when we stared at each other, leaning close until our eyes closed and his lips were placed gently on mine. I can still feel everything around us go silent as I gave in. I remember forgetting to breathe, like I had lost all the air in my lungs, but it all came back to me when he brought his hands to my face. I can still feel the longing of wanting more as he pulled away, with a sparkle in his eye that could light up even my darkest nights.

I start to move my hand towards him, but pause, and bring it back to me when I remember I can't. When I remember why I can't do something as simple as hold the hand of the man I love, even though we're wrapped in the same sheets.

I remember that we have to stay as friends. We'll just have to make our own rules for friendship. Friends don't normally share a bed, feel the heat from the body next to them that they crave, and half the other things we do, or did, in this bed.

I don't need my pretend romantic moonlight to know how plump and soft his lips are, or how chapped they get in the winter, or how they curve when he smiles and laughs. I could easily close the distance between us right now, but I can't, because every time we do, every time we give in to the temptation, I can see the pain he feels betraying him.

So we don't.

We sit in our dorms, do our homework, talk and laugh, but beneath it all we can still see our true feelings, no matter how hard we try to push them down or disguise it with friendship. I'll always notice how soft his hair looks after he's styled it, or how he bites his nails when he's nervous, or how beautiful he is.

In the dark I could pretend. In the dark I could pretend that there's no boyfriend, that we're together, but I don't, because when the morning comes, when it's light, I have to face reality and it hurts even more.

As I close my eyes, I let myself fall asleep to his breathing as I've down countless times before, and drift off to a place where this isn't real.