I bit my lip. After a good ten minutes I stopped crying. I sniffled once more and tore away from his shoulder to look at him.
He looked at me, his eyes searching mine for the truth. I caved.
"I just...I don't know...I don't really have anyone...grandparents only care about therapy...I never talk to him because it's complete bullshit. By him I mean my therapist. He only does it for a fucking paycheck. I don't need someone to tell me what I already know. I just I couldn't take it...I can't handle anything. I'm just weak and pathetic a-and." I sighed and stopped.
He pulled me into a small embrace in his lap.
"You're not weak or pathetic...you're far from any of that ok...believe me," he pulled away from the embrace to look me in the eyes. "Please?" He finished his sentence.
I nodded quickly.
"Thank you...I care ok. If you have nobody...you have me and I can promise you that," he said.
His words had a small effect on me. It made me feel warm and safe. The black and white was slowly beginning to fade.
It felt so nice being so close to him. His eyes flickered to my lips and it was kinda noticeable. Something in my brain said to do it, so I did.
I leaned in closing the gap between our lips.
Granted I've never kissed anyone so I followed his lead. He pulled away. His face looked regretful which quickly made my nerves on edge.
I gave a weak smile. "I..uh...I'm sorry"
He sighed. "No no it's fine..its just Jenna-" I cut him off.
"And your reputation and popularity blah blah blah" I muttered. I was sort of pissed. No no..I was just being really selfish.
"No...just..I don't know.." He chuckled over his word choice.
I grabbed his face and pulled it gently towards me so he was now facing me.
We sat here a good five minutes like this in nothing but comfortable silence. I broke it.
"I uhm I like you," I blurted out.
Fuck fuck fuck.
Shit.
Why did I just say that.
I guess my mouth made up my mind.
He sighed. Oh god what did this mean.
"I just don't know...I don't think we should get together. It probably would just affect your health more and I just don't want to accidentally hurt you," he said.
I was kind of in awe. Guess I shouldn't of said anything. Did this mean he liked me but didn't want to date me ? I mean he didn't push me away when we kissed.
He was probably just trying to be nice and not hurt my feelings.
My mind was puzzled.
I pushed him slightly by accident and got off his lap.
"Yeah ok you're right," I muttered. I was sort of angered. He wouldn't affect my health. He wouldn't harm me. Only I could hurt me more.
Well I guess that's a lie because obviously he had just hurt me and we aren't even together.
I bit my lip.
"I..I'm sorry I just...I don't know. I don't wanna hurt you...maybe if I call it off with Jenna and we give this some time and-" I cut him off.
"Fuck you it doesn't matter!" I practically yelled at him before running off.
Why did this have me so fucked up.
I just wanted someone and obviously wasn't him.
I was done waiting on someone, anyone. I just wanted someone to be with for tonight. I needed a shoulder to cry on.
I shouldn't of fallen for him. I'm such an idiot.
I kissed him then said I liked him and he turned me down. I guess I shouldn't of expected a yes. I'm so fucking weak and pathetic. I'm unattractive and not sure I can get with anyone.
I just needed someone to help me out so I didn't go insane. So I didn't try to kill myself again.
I just needed someone to be with tonight so I could get my head straight and get my shit together. I couldn't loose my shit at my grandparents and have them find out.
They would send me back and I fucking hated that place.
I had to find someone.
Tyler may like me but he turned and said he didn't? It makes no sense to me. Why would he of told me if he wasn't sure.
I mean I was sure.
I don't know what was going through my mind at this point, it was so scattered.
In a fit of rage I dialed his number. I don't know why I saw this as a good idea but my mind was everywhere and I couldn't think straight.
He picked up.
"Hello?" The familiar voice spoke.
I explained my situation.
"Oh god..Joshy...stay still I'll come pick you up. I'm glad you called," he said. He hung up and I signed. I'm glad to hear he still lived here.
I smiled weakly as his car pulled up.
I hadn't seen him in years.
I guess I had forgotten everything bad that happened between us. I got into his car and he drove us off to his place.
Jason.
