pondering

love and where i stand;

im so skeptical about the future.
ive never believed that love and happiness will have much of a place in my future and no matter how much i dream it will be i still don't think it will.

im 16 and ive never even taken those baby steps that most people have like having a friend that lasts over a few months, or having a real first kiss or even more than that.
it actually hit me yesterday when i was feeling shite so i decided to have a whiskey and listen to christmas songs how fucking sad my life is.
im living my life like a 65 year old widow and i owe myself more??
however theres only so much i can do? theres only so many cries on my own shoulder i can have, only so many it'll get better teas i can make myself. it's always been me tearing myself further apart so i can put others back together and when they leave i'm left with empty pieces.

i try sooo hard to try to give off this image that you can be happy and live without others. and sure theres happy moments like watching glee and singing along, but at the same time im watching something that makes me smile so much and i have no one beside me to share it with.

i am lonely. most people are.
but not only that, i am alone.
i sit in this fucking house day after day alone, i walk the streets alone and i will leave this world alone.
and i feel such love for the people around me and the animals and even the whole fucking earth yet none of it loves me back.

i am so grateful for the people who have tried with me, but i just don't know what to say and my self hatred just eats me up and i don't know how to make you not hate me too.

and nobody cares because im fucking shit.