pondering

don't report this lmao

okay noone reads this anymore so i can get shit off my chest. i used to do that. some people used to read it though. my mind can't fathom that this time last year i had hope and now i have nothing.

i ordered somethings last night.
should i say what i did or like star it out. okay so i bought some r***r bl***s online last night and they come tomorrow. early birthday present.
i want to take my life back into my own hands again. the only time i remember having that was when i was like in year 9 or 10 and i would carry it everywhere and i would have  covered all areas of skin. you know you think at those times that this is the worst youve ever felt its so hard you don't know how long you can take it and then youre sitting on your bed alone in mid august three or four years later. nearly being sick everynight, because is this your life? you can't be here anymore. if it only gets worse then how will i live for more hours more days. i love my parents. i love stella. i love nat. i miss my old friends. eleesha, alyssa, chloe, lauren, tia, natalie, all these names of people who i know nomore. josh, olivia, helen, people i met at college. they just go on with their life. walk around campus like they never even knew me. how? how can one person leave such little impact on someone whilst all of these people have left a hole in me? so yes perhaps i will kill myself.
the option is closer to me now and easier to reach. but it's my birthday on wednesday. another birthday with noone to celebrate it with. congrats you made it another year. it would have been easier if you hadn't.
how how can they just leave. how can these people smile and be with the people i used to smile with?? how can they do that when i havent smiled in so long. truly smiled. my heart is in agony. my soul. my soul is in pain.
i can't go on like this. my head is a fucking mess. i go to sleep thinking the same stuff and i wake up to the same shit i tried to sleep from.
and i'm being such a bitch to everyone i love. i hate me. she's gross.
i have no talents lmao. you saidd i should eat me feelingsssss. soz.
its hard to not think lyrics.
but yeah then on the seventeenth i get my as level results back.
and Boiiiii. well you aint know this because wattpad who? dying? gone like my will to live? yea ofc.
anyway, in my english lit exam i had a breakdown started writing down shit like i wanna die over and over again i was really out of it tbh i was crying i was honestly so. you know when things get so bad and it starts to hurt you, like actually hurt you and you just wanna scream and do anything to escape it like run in front of a bus or jump out the windows.
gahahhahjajjajahahahhahahhah.
oh yea i was trying to jump and my friend was like what are you doing and he pulled me away telling me we were gonna miss the bus lmao. a bithh coulda escaped. d*rn.
but yes back to the english thing. i cant actually remember what i scribbled out and what i left. i know i left something about being sorry to everyone and to my teacher. oh and olivia was in with me that day like behind me or in front of me so a bitch was crying more!! and then she slammed the door on me and i was like

but yea how about that weather tho lmao biiiiiiiiiiii xx