pondering

NOT DEAD BTW

hi.
elli here.
i'm not dead.
but i
wish i was 🤠🤠
sorry i couldn't help but doing that. wait wtf happened with the font there i loved it.
i have my friend the details to read this or whatever and omg i'm reading through and cringing my fucking dick off.
so much has changed.
i made that in august 2017 and it's now october 2018.
and guess what IM STILL DEPRESSED.
i guess that's just my life though.
but don't worry nobody. i won't kill myself til 2020. maybe 2019. bc listen okay. i don't mean to sound mental. bc i'm completely calm as i write this.
if i was to kill myself that would be it.
i know that i wouldn't survive. because i wasn't meant to be here.
life is testing me in all ways because i was never supposed to be here and now i'm not allowed to live. so life offers death to me at any opportunity.
some people try killing themselves over and over again. well. they're not meant to die. they're supposed to live and live and live until their time runs out.

however there is something in me.
that is broken. and it's been broken since the day i was born. people say shit like help my life is shit. and like. listen.
gonna slap you with my fish of truth
you have school. you have friends. you have people who would die for you. you have an education. or you're pretty or you can sing and dance. you have a job.
i was born with this piece missing.
when someone made my sim they forgot to put a lot of stuff into my character and they left me to piss on myself and starve.
which is like really grim.
but i love so many things. omg kehlani is pregnant what the fuck 😔😩🤧
anyway. it's so windy out. stop.
anyways i love music so much. i love taylor swift man i fucking love taylor swift. and i love some books. and tv. i'm laughing at the office. and i adore the people i talk to online. they have saved me in ways i didn't think was possible.
i love my mam. she is such an incredible person. with the biggest heart.
the warmest heart for her family. and the funnies woman in the world.
but these people. they all have their own lives. and people. we will part one day.
but til then.
let's just stay like this for a while.

love, elli x