Diary of a Sociopath

Chapter 6- Doubt

I spent the night of Ray's death back in my apartment as Ava lost her trust in me. Looking at the evidence presented, I could see her hesitation-but feared of her well being as well. Whoever killed him was certainly after something and I was fearful that I could have interrupted it as well as been possibly suspected of it. I could not let it be true and decided to give her the night to breathe and I would approach her in the morning.

Ten o'clock

I waited like an impatient child for his mother in the car as the digital clock changed to the even time. Keeping my phone clung to my side at the hope of getting any news notifications, I breathed deep, before going towards her house. Knocking slowly upon the door, I felt daft as I thought of how she must be at work. The lights had been off and the curtains shut-telling me that she was not home. I then decided to walk to her place of occupation before seeing decorations for Thanksgiving already replacing the Halloween ones I remembered previously.

Upon entering, I saw several people from the party, now dressed in their daily grub-making me feel as though I had seen them more vulnerable then desired. But my mission was not to do that, but to find Ava. I moved directly to the cash register but found another woman to be working it. A woman I had never seen before and who I had guessed to be new. I motioned towards her as she instantly grew tense; her eyes widening and her lips coming apart to speak.

"Can I help you?" She asked with a sweet voice. One that would belong to a princess in a Disney movie. I smirked at the thought before asking for Ava's location. She told me how she was in the back getting some boxes to store some of the old shirts as they were making room for new stuff. I phased out about half way as I nodded politely and waited for the eyes to be off of me before making my way through the double black doors marked EMPLOYEES ONLY.

As I moved around the corner, I was able to see her attempt to bring down a box before several fell towards her. Lunging forward, I caught them just before they knocked her down as she let out a sigh of relief. I placed the boxes back in place as she looked at me and glared.

"What are you doing here?"

"I wanted to explain everything-"

"I don't want to hear it. I know what I saw...and you lied to me. I have had no caffeine or sleep in the last forty eight hours. I had to tell my son how his father went to heaven last night....he cried in my arms until falling asleep just before school. I am not in the mood for lies."

Upon hearing her tone, I knew I had to be pretty damn convincing in order for her to trust me again. So I decided to do something I had never done before...and be honest;

"I want to tell you everything..." I said as I motioned for her to move further back in the supply room but she resisted-much to my understanding. I nodded before beginning.

"You're right. I didn't leave that night to get you cigarettes. But I didn't kill him..." Her eyes locked on me the entire time as her arms were firmly crossed against her chest. "I went to his apartment-"

"How did you know which one it was?"

"I heard you two talking about it and then some mail was left here by mistake...I entered to find it unlocked and everything disheveled. Water running, soup burning, even the television on snow. It was apparent there was a struggle-but I didn't see anyone so I decided to look around...I went into his bedroom and opened the closet as I heard something and he fell on top of me...-"

"Why did you have the knife if you didn't plan to kill him?"

"I wanted to scare him. But I promised you that I wouldn't do anything to hurt him. I know we don't know each other well but I keep promises. It's the one thing I believe in...someone's word..."

"I know you didn't do it."

I scowled for a moment-almost as if it was too easy.

"His friend found him on his bed with a bullet hole...you came back with a knife...so I know you didn't. But I don't find it easy to trust you...I want to...I keep telling myself, 'he saved your life, give him a break', but I can't help it...something about you keeps me distant."

"I don't want it to." My lips blurted before I could cease it. "I want you to trust me." I said honestly before my hand reached to hers. "I have never wanted to protect someone so bad in my life. And you are so fragile-especially now. But we hardly know each other and I understand if you turn me away. You deserve someone you don't question." My words came out slowly as I trembled at the thought of this possibly being our last conversation. I turned to leave before I felt her arm pull me back into her. Expecting a hug, I was pleasantly surprised at the feeling of her lips against mine.

Before I could do anything of control, her hands pulled my face harder against hers as we fell back to the rack behind her. My hand held myself up as the other one was on her waist. I was never going to tell her...but I had never been kissed before. Never a closed eye kiss. Nor had I had a girlfriend-and she began to push me into a lot of firsts.

"I think Matthew needs a father figure...I am not asking that out of pity or guilt...but I know he loves you and he's going through a lot-"

"Whatever it is you need, I'm there."

She kissed me sweetly again as I could feel my temperature being to rise once more. "I wanted to do a mini Thanksgiving dinner for him with his favorite foods...if you wouldn't mind being there."

"What time?"

"Five?"

"I'll be there." I leaned in one last time, completing a passionate kiss before feeling her tongue graze my bottom lip. Wanting to give into my primal desires, I retreated as she wiped her bottom lip and blushed as I glanced before exiting.

I realized in that moment how she wasn't only changing me, but how I was beginning to understand emotion. Empathy even...Was that even possible for someone like me?