Diary of a Sociopath

Chapter 22- A Change in the Air

For two consecutive weeks, I was forced to be tormented by the thoughts of Ava with Victor. I would hear about their date nights and how she saw his "good side". But I knew he wasn't always that way. They would still fight-and I just had to catch him-in order to have probable cause to make him another number on my list. But I couldn't...She has feelings for him. Whatever the extent-I didn't know...but feelings were there nonetheless.

Until last night.

Along with these last two weeks, her and I have redeemed some form of a connection. I couldn't tell if it was a friendship one or something more because the flirting would always cease before I could push it farther-but she tortured me. And I felt as though she knew that. On the brighter side, where Victor was bonding with her-I was bonding with Matthew. Something I knew would get me back on her good side.

And then it happened. Last night I came late because Matthew forgot his bag at my apartment and so I returned it to find her sitting against the back of the couch. Covering her face from my view, the door had been unlocked-and I made my way inside. There was something about the way she sat that told me it wasn't just hormones or even a sad show-something was done to her. When she looked up to me, I saw the mark on her lip.

"I'm gonna kill him!"

"No! Please!"

"I won't let him touch you!"

"Please!" She begged as she pulled on my arm. "Just don't leave."

"He's not going to get away with this."

"I know. I told him to go...I told him it was over..."

"Then why are you crying?"

Suddenly her lips were pushed against mine. I didn't have time to respond due to how confused I had been. For half a month, she reminded me "baby steps" and now, she was kissing me. At first, I scowled before seeing the sincerity in her eyes.

"I know what I said...I know there's issues-but I made the biggest mistake by letting you go..." She pulled me in again before I pulled back.

"Ava..."

"Please....Please..." She pulled me down to her before we collapsed onto the floor. I was helpless against her-she was my drug and I was getting the chance at a hit-I wasn't going to turn it down. But I remembered all the pain I had caused her-how it contradicted with everything I wanted. And so, I pulled myself from her again-even as she clawed at my neck.

"Please-I want to take off from where we were..."

"I don't know if I can..." I said honestly-realizing I didn't want JUST sex...(I bet I am the only male to ever write that), I wanted her-fully. Her invested emotions, her heart, her desires-everything. Like I used to. "You told me that it was too hard for you....and it is for me right now..."

"You don't want to be with me."

"That's never a question..." I paused, hating myself for what I was preparing to say. "Not a day goes by that I don't miss you-that I don't want you or desire you-that isn't the problem."

"What is?"

"I don't trust you..." I realized I couldn't tell her my actual afflictions. How could I? I didn't know everything myself. I COULD have killed someone-maybe not-possibly, but unsure. I couldn't confess, but I also couldn't lie-so I told her a half-truth. "You told me you felt nothing for Victor and not only did you lie, you dated him-almost immediately after we broke up." Saying the words made me feel everything again.

"You're right. I just thought that...we could start over-"

"Then let's. Let us forget about the deceptions, the confusion-and begin fresh."

"How?"

"A date. I will call a sitter for tomorrow-and you just worry about being ready by eight."

"Are you sure-"

"Of course." I gave a sweet kiss on her forehead as I could see the appreciation in her eyes. Half of my body pulsated to turn around and take advantage of her vulnerability. But the other half knew I didn't want her that way. I wanted her fully-I wanted everything she would offer. I wanted her love back.