Diary of a Sociopath

Chapter 21- Blackout

All I can remember is the blood on my hands and my perspired expression as my gaze caught my reflection in the mirror. But the identity of the victim or the exact method I supposedly killed him remains a mystery. It eats at me as I am completely perplexed on this. I know the craving was strong enough to pull me from my thoughts of Ava...but not enough to make me black out...but apparently it had....

I watched the news closely and stayed intrigued with the details of the case finding out the method of killing was with strangulation by an unknown object. It made me confused...I never killed just to rid my craving-nor out of pure anger...I have always waited until I found a viable motive. But perhaps it had overpowered me this time. My heart sunk as I thought of what Ava would do if she ever found out. The utter pain, shock, and hate she would have because of me. I couldn't bare it.

For eight consecutive weeks, I watched close at newspapers and any other form of media to get information on the case-but it seemed to have gone cold. The autopsy was to become public this week and I would then have answers regarding MY motive-IF I had indeed done it.

In the meantime, I had sat at the park reading over the news before hearing a familiar voice call out my name. A slight squeaky voice in fact.

"Lincoln!"

"Super Matthew..." I spoke with a limited amount of enthusiasm as I was wrecked from the breakup with Ava. I missed her so much it made me physically ill-but I knew everything happened for a reason. And she did deserve happiness...Victor doesn't.

"I miss you..." He said as he took the seat next to me. "So does mama..."

"I'm sorry bud...sometimes people find that what they have isn't what they want and-"

"I don't like him...Victor....He's...mean to her."

"What do you mean?"

"He wanted her to change her hair and wear certain clothes-quit her job. Even hit her-" My eyes went wide.

"Are you sure?"

He nodded, his eyes moving to his hands. "But mama says he keeps me safe-"

"Are you with her now?"

He nodded, showing her at the bench opposite the one I had become comfortable on before her gaze set to me. I offered a kind smile as I saw her breathe an intense exhale.

"Why don't you go play, stay where I can see you...but just have fun."

He hugged my hip before jumping on the jungle gym and swinging like Tarzan. Eventually, I worked up the courage to sit beside Ava, as she had a book placed gracefully on her lap, her finger holding the page she had left off on.

"How are you?"

"Fine..."

"I hope you know-"

"What are you doing here?"

"I...I just...I came here to read the paper...Enjoy the weather..."

"It's sixty degrees-barely..."

"I'm not following you." I said harsh as I saw her expression change from anger to embarrassment.

"What am I supposed to think?"

"That I'm not a stalker-"

"I'm sorry...things have just...have gotten complicated..."

"Ava..." She closed her eyes as I spoke her name before her gaze shifted to check on Matthew who was making friends with another kid. "Did you ask him about other couples?"

She nodded before looking at me just enough so I could see the black eye on the right side of her face, poorly covered by her hair.

"Did HE do that?"

"No." She said in a low tone.

"Don't lie to me..."

She looked away then back towards me, tears filling her eyes.

"He's good for Matthew and it was only once-"

"It's NEVER once...I won't lie, the man made me vengeful with jealousy...but...I thought he would at least treat you better."

"But he can protect Matthew-"

"So did I...It was you that I let down..."

"There are so many trust issues..." She said wiping away a tear from her cheek before letting out a deep breath. "Too many to list-"

"I could say the same."

She looked at me with a surprised expression.

"How about I babysit for you?"

"Babysit?"

I nodded. "You can go to the spa, the mall, even a date night with Victor..."

"You would do that?"

"You deserve a break...and I miss the little guy."

"He misses you..." She opened her mouth once more as if going to speak, before shutting them and looking back to Matthew. "When would you be able to?"

"How about tomorrow?"

"Sounds perfect."

"I think that way, we can also be friends. Just friends."

As I spoke kindly with hidden animosity, she gave a kind smirk. "How much for the night-"

"Nothing. But I ask a favor..."

She nodded.

"No matter what you decide to do with this day tomorrow...I want you to think about everything. If you have everything you want...and know that you deserve better than what you've settled for-"

She scowled. "I haven't-"

"You are no victim, you're a survivor-Matthew sees it, so do I..."

"I'm scared to be on my own..."

"I won't let you be...but that doesn't mean we have to be anything but what we are..."

"And that is?"

"Figuring it out....together..."

She nodded. "Baby steps."

I nodded.

And for the first time in almost half a year, I had a sign of hope. A very small window for things to turn around. But as I thought of this, my mind instantly shuttered to THAT night. The guilt was eating me alive-did I do it or didn't I?!