Diary of a Sociopath

Chapter 29- The Slow Misery of Time

A month passed. No word. Not a letter, not a scowl when passing her at work. Not even a sigh or rolling of the eyes. I would have given anything for her to slap me or flip me off. But there was silence-as if everything between us had been nonexistent. I would have believed it all a dream if not for my journals. Since she took all of them, I began writing on individual pieces of paper, dating, signing, and then hiding...waiting to give to her. It made me feel like a boy in first grade-one with a crush on his teacher.

After a month, I began to believe she gave up, that I scared her away. That the dark thoughts or self-illustrations were too much. Perhaps my analogies or dream entries were too cruel or twisted. Not even work could distract me. My new job as an assistant detective-something they gave me after revealing Victor was a crooked cop. It was unorthodox-but it paid the bills.

Being too anxious to cook, I ordered pizza and opened the door to expect to find a pubescent greasy-haired emo kid with too much time on his hands and not baggy enough pants, but I saw her. She held the box back in her hands with a serious expression upon her face. I could not sense anything; not anger or relief-nothing but numb.

When the door shut, the sound of the box being set on the counter grabbed my attention as I turned to her. For a moment, she was silent and as I went to speak, I felt a stinging pain ring through my skin.

"That is for lying. For every lie you have ever told me. For each second you made me love you when it was a lie."

"I never lied about my feelings."

"I should hate you. I should curse you out and turn you in..."

I realized then that she would. I saw the goodness begging to be performed.

"But I can't."

"You can't?"

"I can't, even though I should. I saw you threaten a man with a weapon more times than I can count. But you have also saved me and kept both me and my son safe. We have so much history and despite the lies and deceit, we built something. And you could have turned me away....you could have lied to me when he had a gun pointed to you and I never would have known. You could have killed him the second you walked in...you even could have shot yourself...but you realized there was only one way to deal with it...properly...."

I nodded. "It is what you deserved."

"And I know I should be fearful of being five feet in front of you, but I can't help but sympathize with you. I can not imagine feeling that alone-that scared and confused. I want to hate you...I want to yell and hit and bite you...not in a pleasing way. I want everything to hurt...but I want to fix you..."

"That is what is ridiculous about all of this...You already did."

"Then why did you still hurt people?"

"Because they harmed you or threatened to. I haven't taken a life that would be considered a justice. I wouldn't take it back, and I won't lie and say "I wish I could", because I don't regret it. I regret not being the one to tell you without being coerced to do it. I regret letting you see me as you do now."

"How is it you think I see you?"

"Damaged. Alone. Sick..."

"You are wounded...and confused...and deranged even...but you are not alone..."

"Why do you want to be here? After everything you read...after each sick thought...you came back...why?"

"Because each time I finished reading another one of your "sick thoughts", there was something you wrote about me. About how I brought you back to reality, I read how your loss was also mine...how we are not innocent-"

"Why are you defending me?" I realized I was trying to protect her. I could not promise to offer her a life when I could be serving up to six life sentences one day. I pushed her away.

"Because I saw the good in the beast. I know that deep down...whether you don't...that you are as innocent and prideful and selfish as the rest of us. You're human. I HATE that you lied. I HATE that I defended you and was wrong. I HATE that I know this about you; that I see those eyes and I used to feel calm and protected and now I feel terrified. But I remember everything I read...how you fought against everything that was pulling you from me...and no matter what...you came back to me."

"I told you my feelings were true...I have lied during my entire relationship with you...but never about the relationship in general. I want to marry you, I want to have kids with you...I want to live in that house with Matthew and you and protect you and love you and be there. But you deserve normal...you deserve someone who can't hurt a fly..."

She placed her hand on my cheek as a tear slid down my face. "You're right-I do. But it's not what I want. I want you...because you have done nothing but protect me and be honest...at least now...You could have denied it and lied and even just left...but you stayed...you dealt with the consequences and that in itself tells me everything I need to know."

"How can you accept me like this?"

"Because I would have done the same if someone threatened Matthew. I would be behind bars if someone dares hurt him..." She continued before I could comment. "I understand the feeling of wanting to protect someone so bad you would do anything."

"But what about the victims before you?"

"You were protecting the kids they hurt...the people they harmed. I can never do anything but admire you for that."

"But how can you not see a monster?"

"I did at first. I read your journals at least for times and the last one every chance and second I got. I was tempted to go to the chief and explain everything-but I realized I didn't want to lose you. You see a monster, a man who is sick or tormented-I see someone who used to be those things...who can feel something greater than his lust for blood."

"I didn't think you would react this way."

"Either did I....but I mean it all. I still need time...but...if you wanted to come to dinner on Friday...Matthew would love to see you...and so would I...but no more secrets...I swear to God-or I WILL kill you myself."

"I promise, on my life....no more lies."

I don't know why, even now...why she trusts me...perhaps she is one of those good people you only hear about on the news but never know yourself. Maybe she is an angel that was here to protect me, or maybe the love we share for each other is too damn strong. Regardless, I'm not questioning it.