It's a Nightmare

Chapter Twenty Four

Lucas

I failed. I failed Riley. I failed Riley. I failed her. Why can't I eat like a normal person? Why do I have to be such a failure? I'm sure a ******* failure!
I'M A ******* FAILURE! Just like Father told me. How do people see anything different? Don't people see how much of a failure I am? I'm just a failure. A *******, ******* failure.

The door closed shut behind Riley and myself. We were in my room; which had never been a safe spot.

Back at Father's, I was never safe. He beat me wherever I was. The longest beating I had ever had was in my own room. Which was why I started hyperventilating when the door closed.

Father always closed the door when he beat me, no matter where we were.

"Baby?" Riley asked, putting her hand on my back. "What's wrong?"

My breaths got shallower and shallower.

"Don't... not... not safe." I managed to get out between shallow breaths.

"Where do you feel safe?" I asked.

Nowhere.

"No...not in my house." Not even in the bathroom. Father... no Lucas. Don't think those thoughts. Move the memories down.

"You want to go to my room? It's not in your house. Would that work? Come on."

My beautiful, protective, loveable girlfriend grabbed my hand and led me out of the room, down the hall and into her room. I curled up in a ball on the floor.

"Does that feel better?" She asked. "Do you feel safe now? Is it all better?"

I do. Riley is here. This room brings no horrible memories. No Father. I'm safe. Riley is here.

"I... I actually do. This room is safe. I feel safe. I...I'm good. I feel good." My breaths got deeper and deeper. "I'm good. I'm good."

"Do you want to spend the night here tonight? I can sleep in your room." Riley offered.

"No. No." She couldn't leave me. God, I sounded so needy. But she was my rock. I needed her! I needed her. "Please stay with me. Please?"

"My dad. He won't like that. He won't like that at all."

She was right. He wouldn't. But still...

"Riley, I need you. Please? I need you." God, I was so weak. What a weakling I was. I was needy and worthless and weak. What a ******* baby I was.

Riley licked her bottom lip. "Lucas, I...I... okay. Okay. Just for tonight. Okay?"

A smile spread across my face. "Thank you. Thank you! Thank you so much." Gingerly, I got to my feet. And hugged my girlfriend.

"Lucas. I love you." Riley tilted her head back and looked at me with her big, beautiful, brown eyes.

"I love you too Sweetie." I kissed her forehead. "I'm sorry I'm such a failure."

"What are you talking about Lucas? You're not a failure. Why are you saying this?"

"I'm a failure. A ******* failure. And you know it. I can do anything right. I can't eat; I can't handle questions. I'm a worthless weakling. And I'm a horrible boyfriend." Why didn't she believe me? Didn't she know it all by now?

Riley sat me down on the bed. Then she sat beside me. She grabbed my hands.

"Baby. Lucas, my love." She started softly. "The one I love. You are not a failure. You are the most caring, loving, amazing person I know. You have your own problems, but you are trying really hard to get through them, which I can see. You're doing amazing baby! But, you have to remember that you're not alone anymore. You have all these people who can help you; Mom, Dad, me. We can give you the help that you need. You just need to tell us, Sweetie." She kissed my cheek. "Let's get changed, okay? Where are you going to go?" 

As much as I trusted Riley, she couldn't see... something that I had on my leg. From... from a suicide attempt. About a year ago. Father's verbal beating had taken it's toll on me, and I had walked up to my room and sliced my leg open, in a fit of depression. From thigh to kneecap.

I had almost died, but- luckily- Farkle had come over to hang out and had stitched me up. I hadn't gone deep with my cut, but blood still poured out of the opening at an impressive rate.

Farkle had saved my life so many times in the time Father had become abusive, and I owed him so much. 

Wait, I thought to myself. Lucas, you need to trust Riley. Relationships are built on trust. Plus, the scar is on the inside of your thigh, so she may not see it. If she does... well, let's hope for the best. 

"I'll...just...um...sleep in my boxers. Ifthat'sokaywithyou." I don't wear pajamas. We never could afford them. Plus, they were pointless. I mean, why wear pajamas when you could just wear underwear. Fewer clothes to buy and wash. "I don't have pajamas."

"I could grab you a pair of my brother's old sweatpants," Riley suggested. 

"Brodie or Auggie?" I asked, smiling faintly. "Because I'm pretty sure that Auggie's old sweatpants won't fit me. I'm too fat for them to fit." 

Riley shot me a sharp glance, "Brodies. You two seem about the same size. I'll be right back." 

She left quickly, only to be back two minutes later, with a pair of gray sweatpants in her hand. 

"Here," She handed them to me. "Do you want me to turn around?" 

I shook my head, "You've seen many of my scars before. Not all of them. But many." I turned my back to Riley and took off my shirt, exposing the FILTHY LIAR and the knife slashes and the scars of many colors. 

Then, my jeans came off. I left my boxers on.

Riley gasped, just a small intake of breath. She had seen it.

"Lucas, what happened?"