Butterfly Aubade

第十三章 [ Chapter Thirteen ]

第十三章

I met the new bride days later. I watched her bow in front me, as I scanned her chamber and her dress up and down. I saw the insecurity and fear the reflected in her eyes; it was confirmation of my own power. I smirked as I spoke carefully. I asked her how she found the palace and how I was here on my own accord to 'welcome' her. She spoke in a bare whisper, a pin could drop and it would radiate over her voice. Though the fabric on her bed had caught my eye. Yellow – gold, the color of the Empress and prince.

"When did you receive this?" I said touching the fabric carefully.

"It-It's his highnesses." She stuttered.

"His highnesses," I laughed and picked it up. It was her size and had emblems of dragons across it. Whoever had decided to give her it held protection over her. She had patron, someone or something.

"You best be careful with that kind of material," I pronounced each word precisely, "If you proudly uphold yourself around here in court with the other maidens, they wouldn't be so pleased."

I held my anger inside by revealing a forced smile. When I left her room, I could hear her speak in rapid Korean. Despite her innocent façade, I knew that she was more deceptive than she allowed others to see. I'd hold her down; I'd hold every concubine at bay if they dared challenge me.

I took a quiet stroll until I passed by a restricted area of the palace. I saw many guards placed around the perimeter and I couldn't help but be curious.

"What do we have here?"

"My lady, this place is restricted for your safety. Please return to your chambers." The man said as his eyes bulged out worriedly at his fellow companion.

"Dangerous, what's so dangerous about this place?" It looked ordinary to me.

"It's not safe. Please my lady." The man said with urgency, a tone of desperation.

I brushed aside his notion and swung the doors open. There were girls confined in their small apartment doors. I took a peek in one door and saw a girl rocking back in forth with her doll. Another was completely silent as she stared down at the ground.

"Who are these ... people?" I said wide eyed and shocked.

"They are the concubines of the previous emperor. They are the ones who are condemned for punishment or ... gone mad. They are abominations as the Dowager Empress calls them and will not allow them to leave their rooms ever until their deaths." The man said sadly, his voice drenched in sorrow.

"This is the cruelty of the harem that I never faced ..." I murmured softly.

I took my leave and stepped away. I could not bear to stand in that space. The air had been foul and amount of sounds that echoed were terrifying. Those women had sacrificed everything they had and in exchange they were imprisoned. If I ever stood out of line, would Ming Zheng treat me the very same? Toss me away like a lunatic?

---

That night I was finally visited by him. It had been so long and he looked more tired than ever. He planted a quick kiss on my lips as he took his usual spot on the chair around the table.

"I've heard that you've been reclusive from the rest of court." He said with a humorous shake of his head.

"I don't see the point of investing myself in trifles. Boredom is preferably welcomed compared to drama. Why, is there something interesting I should have heard about?"

"Actually it is true. Many of the other concubines have made up rumors about your terrifying wrath and how your beauty is like a knife that can rip apart their souls."

"Shall I take that as a compliment? I don't mind being feared." I said casually. One hand rested on my waist while the other on my stomach.

"How is Huan Yue?" I asked abruptly.

"In all honesty," He sighed, "I do not know."

"Why is that? She is your wife." I cringed at the word. Wife, something I wanted to be so badly.

"The child is always with her but she only feeds it, and then sends it off to the nurses. She refuses to see people and pities herself. Sullen behavior just like a child."

"I think her disappointment is what makes her act the way she is." I said, sitting down in front of him.

"I can not stand her temper."

"She is young still Ming Zheng." Using his name for the first time in a long while.

His ears were alert when he heard me call his name. A glimmer of happiness flashed and then disappeared. Replaced with an unexplainable expression.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" I felt myself shiver.

"Admiring you. A golden fish in the water compared to all the black and white ones."

"Since when did you flatter?" I said with a laugh, "Next I'll here poems about the moon being a reflection of my face."

"Well," he said with hesitation, "I can not confide with many other women. Most do not care about politics or the situation of the state. They enjoy their frivolous gifts. I admit that you were a prick when I first met you but ... that has changed."

"Yes, things have changed... drastically." I sighed. "May I ask you something?" my knuckles whitened by my tight grip on the fabric of my dress.

"Of course, what is it?" His eyebrows furrowed with an intent look.

"What if I died? What if I gave you a daughter? What if this child is unhealthy? What will become of me?" I whispered hoarsely as I remembered what I saw earlier that day.

"What are you asking? Your death will not occur for years to come, do not speak of such ill events. If I had a daughter ... I would be disappointed but I will not cease to shun you. And if the child is unhealthy then ... it will be dealt with in particular manners." He spoke carefully but honestly.

There was always the possibility that I could be ripped away from my position. I wasn't like Huan Yue who had been protected with her title of crown princess. Fang Hua would lose nothing if she was brought out of the palace, she would be happy. Lan Xing was favored among the servants and could easily live out her days. But for me, it was different. I could not return to my household, it would only induce shame and misery. I would have nothing left. I did not want to think about the future of myself and my child.

"Do not look so troubled, I will be by your side when the child is here." He said taking my hand and patting it.

"Am I your friend?" I spoke softly, my hair falling down in front of me.

I listened to the sound of the wind and it seemed like all eternity until he decided to answer me.

"I don't know."

"What does that mean?" A piece of my heart felt torn.

"I already have one in my heart ..."

I felt my ears well up. I knew who he was talking about. After all this time, he still longed for Fang Hua. I wanted to tell him how stupid he was. How blind he was to notice her hatred. She loved another and she always would. The baby in her stomach was not even his. But I bit my tongue. I could not betray her. No matter how much pain I felt in that instant.

"... I will never be a possibility?"

"No but I need time." He said. "Time to understand you more, time to share with you alone."

"Then let me have some of your time. Please, you do not know what you have done to me." I said as the waterfalls of tears fell down my eyes.

"I can not. You know my duties."

"You can make time when you need it." My voice growing like a flame in the fire.

"Ai Xue." He said trying to calm me down.

"Don't call me that. Don't talk to me anymore if I am just a past time. Go find your true love and spend it with her. I am not your second option." And this time, I yelled.

"Stop, you know I care about you." He said, growing angry himself.

"You do not care at all." Rage took over as I easily hit him in the chest.

He grasped me by the wrists gently but I continued to struggle. To attempt to physically hurt him but it was useless. My condition for such a matter was futile.

"I hate you. I hate you so much." I spat out, tears trickled down my face.

When I had finally stopped and sniffled. I found his arms around me. His familiar warmth comforted me. I heard his heartbeat. His strong arms picked me up and brought me to the bed. I kept my grip around him, refusing him an escape. I did not want to lose him.

He spoke to me, the words mindlessly brushed past my head. I fell into the depths of night's abyss.