Butterfly Aubade

第十七章 [ Chapter Seventeen ] - Pic of Ai Xue

第十七章

Since our argument, he's stopped visiting me. I'm left alone with only Chun Hai and my children as company. My days are lonely and I find myself crying to sleep. My own self pity was miserable and pathetic. Chun Hai tried to make me feel better but I was sullen. I didn't eat, I didn't do anything. I smiled for the children but I was empty of contents. I was an outsider staring on the inside. So long as they were happy, it pleased me.

A messenger had arrived and sent me a letter. I hadn't received a letter in such a long time. I read through the first one from my family. They were overjoyed and proud. I read that my sisters were both married off now and adjusting to their married lives happily. My brother was a trouble maker but he was spoiled heavily by my grandmother. They sounded so happy. I missed family, the days when I could run about and speak freely to my father and my mothers, even if one was horrible to me. At least I could have teased her and poked fun at her while she chased me around with a broom threatening to beat me. My heart broke a little, to think that I was separated from them. Doubt provoked me. What if I every choice I made to be here was wrong? Was this even my destiny? I wasn't happy nor have I gained what I really wanted. A little bit of acceptance and happiness was what I desired.

I rested my head for a few seconds. I was so tired.

I flipped through the next letter which was addressed quite formally.

Within moments I knew who it was from.

Fang Hua.

I drew in a sharp breath. Eyes bulging out from my head.

My heart lurched and my stomach dropped. A piece of jewelry fell out which was another pendant. Her pendant. She spoke her farewells in the piece of paper and I let out a sob. In the tiniest letters, she wrote about her heart. How it shattered to pieces since the execution of her lover. She suffered every single day from heart break. She hated Ming Zheng, loathed him. She spat anger, sadness but in the end, it seemed like she was done. She wished me well and to take care of her precious treasure. To always keep it safe and love it as she couldn't. She had decided to take her own life. She had enough.

Wet tears clung to my face as I threw the paper onto the floor. I couldn't bear the last words. The last words I'd see from her. She had been one friend that I could trust and care about but now she was gone forever. Gone with her beloved. Living alone was too painful. I wish I'd known she would have been so stupid to do such a thing but I was selfish. Consumed with my own affairs to even write to her. No one else in the palace seemed to have known and if Ming Zheng did, he certainly didn't come to tell me.

---

For the next few days I stayed in bed. I ate little and visited the temple daily. I spent hours meditating for peace. I wore the ugliest and plainest gowns. Spoke to no one unless it was necessary. Even snapped at servants who dared spew gossip from their petty lips. I hurt myself and those left around me. Sometimes I surprised myself with new tears that would form and fall down my face. The times when I had been strong were forgotten. I had collapsed into a pound of dirt. Utter useless and weak dirt, it was pathetic.

Chun Hai worried for my health but I assured her I would be ok. I always was. At least this was I continually told myself. At this point, I began to believe my lies. I couldn't tell truth apart from lies. They all seemed the same now.  

In the evening, I began to feel a chill. I clothed myself with more garments but then began to sweat profusely. I must have caught a cold or the likes of that. My head had begun to swim and I thought I saw the stars. There was a ringing in my ears and I paled. My stomach churned and I felt bile rise from my throat. I would have vomited but the heat was suffocating and making me even more nauseous.

I couldn't take it any more. Whatever my body was doing to me. I needed rest. And before I knew it. I felt something cold. The darkness welcomed me with open arms and Chun Hai's voice faded away into the background. Nothing mattered anymore.

---

I awoke to see a physician by my bedside. He held my wrist and mumbled something. I couldn't see since my vision was blurred. But my ears were clear enough to hear. To my surprise I heard Ming Zheng's voice. I swallowed and heat arose through my body. I didn't have the courage to face him properly.

"It's alright. Lady Ai Xue just needs to be properly fed. She has a light fever but keep her resting. Her body needs it. Give her soup and keep her in your watch. Be careful and keep the children at a distance."

"Thank you sir." Chun Hai escorted the old man away.

Again I was alone with Ming Zheng. I turned my body to face the wall. I was too exahusted to even face the likes of him.

"I wanted to apologize. You might or might not have heard but Fang Hua is dead." He said stiffly, "I will not linger on her. She never loved me in the first place. At least she's happy now." He said coldly.

"At least she's happy." I echoed.

He surprised me by roughly turning me around. His hands held my back and he brought me into an embrace.

"I said I'm sorry. Won't you ever stop being so stubborn." He said with a chuckle, a glimpse of sorrow reflected in his iris for a flash second.

"N-no." I shivered.  "It's quite cold." A frown still played upon my lips.

He took his hand and placed it on my forehead. "You're getting feverish. Chun Hai prepared warm noodle soup. Can you sit up and eat?"

I shook my head. He held me like a child as my body felt like crumpling paper. He propped me up then he proceeded to take the bowl and blew on it to cool off the steam. He spoon fed me the contents as I took it in carefully. I was cautious of the heat.

When I was finished with the food. I felt better and more alive.

"I'm like this because of you." I said calmly.

"I know, I apologize." He said with his head down.

"I meant at this state, I lost my appetite and any happiness because I thought you forgot about me. Hated me." I murmured sadly.

His eyes were alert and he spoke out, "I've always cared. And if it's unbelievable to hear, I truly do love you."

A warm sensation sent shivers down my spine but I was still reluctant to believe him, "Really? I find that hard to believe..." It was the mere honest truth.

Within seconds that the words had slipped off my tongue, his hand had conveniently wrapped around my waist, bringing my whole body closer to him. The warmth of his lips crushed onto mine. My body melted in his arms as my shock started to sink in. Eyes were now closed and I let his strength envelop my body. When he let go, he still held me tightly in his arms. I saw his eyes staring at me with an intensity I'd never seen before.

"I haven't seem to speak truly about how I feel. At the beginning I thought you were nothing more than a power hungry woman but that began to change when you proved your intelligence. You were a companion and well, now of my most beloved. You gave me a son and a daughter, a perfect duo. Thank you."

"You took my soul and heart." It was a soft notion but he seemed happy to hear. I was barely audible but he seemed to acknowledge my words. At least we had fixed the rift for now.  

I gave him a small smile before feeling the presence of sleep.

---

The next morning I awoke to find Ming Zheng still by my side, asleep with his arms rested on my bed. He had leaned over, sitting on a stool uncomfortably. I sat up and yawned, squinting when the doors opened with Chun Hai carrying a tray.

"The Crown Prince truly loves you, he stayed here the whole night worrying about you rather than returning to his chambers to sleep. Are you doing any better my lady?"

I nodded, "Please set the food down. Could you bring me Mi Xue and Ruo Jian?"

Chun Hai quickly bowed before leaving to bring the children. I carefully got up and draped a blanket over his sleeping form. He looked angelic, sleeping in peace with a smile plastered on his face. I gently leaned down to kiss his forehead, feeling a bit more giddy than usual.

I wrapped myself with a blanket and ate the breakfast set before me. The soothing smell appeased my appetite which had disappeared for days.

Chunhai burst in the room carrying both. Although a look of worry was drawn across her face.

"Me Xue hasn't woken up for hours."

Panic arose.