Butterfly Aubade

第六章 [ Chapter Six ]

第六章

Because of the incident, Ming Zheng tended to me more lately. Not that I didn't enjoy his attention but I felt myself grow closer towards him. The memory of that morning was distinctive. But I refused to leave my quarters. Fear of that night kept playing again and again. I had grown accustomed to his and only his touch. Even a simple bump from a eunuch could get my skin crawling.

 I avoided the sun light from the outside. I stayed in confinement with quiet peace where no one interrupted me. I had nothing to do as I just sat in boredom, rereading the same pages of books. The palace life was nothing to envy and the only thing that women had to entertain themselves with was drama and gossip. I didn't care about anything else at this point, so long as I could be safe. For I already knew my fate, I was doomed to die here alone without a great remembrance.  

Though that afternoon, there was a visit from the Dowager Empress and Huan Yue appeared. She had a sneer on her face as she held her head high. I glanced at her, wondering what she was so high and mighty about this time. But I watched her rub her stomach which barely protruded from her stomach. Her stick and unshapely figure looked like she was stuffing fruits under her dress.

My mouth was pressed tightly together, I already knew better than to ask.

"Oh dear sister, aren't you happy for me?" The crown princess cooed.

"Congratulations." I said stiffly with a slight bow of my head.

"My dear Ai Xue, I had expected you to have already been ... conceived with child." The dowager empress said with a frown.

"Please do not worry your imperial majesty, I will bear many children to his highness in due time." Eating at the convincing lies that my tongue wove.

"All talk but nothing sister has proven yet." Huan Yue scorned with a smirk on her pig face.

"I will give you time Ai Xue for I know you are an intellectual woman, however, I can not wait forever. You must provide a child to my son within a year or else your position will be demoted." The woman said bluntly.

I nodded. I knew this day would come. I would become a forgotten shadow in the court. A pointless being locked away in a gilded cage with everything and yet nothing. I swallowed back my fear and worries. I was not one to back away from a challenge.

For the rest of the afternoon, I did my best to smile and entertain the witch and the heavenly mother. As soon as they had retreated, I felt a gasp of air from all the stuffiness. I hadn't realized that my heart was running like a mouse just by their presence. They were powerful and dangerous people. If the crown princess bore a prince, the rest of the harem would lose any chance to become the future empress. However if the wanton girl bore a daughter, there would still be a chance at the title. I paced back and forth in my room. How was I to scheme and try?

My attention was drawn away from my room as I noticed two shadowy figures near my quarters. I gently pushed the screen and caught Fang Hua with the General. I felt my blood run cold as I watched him hug her. He dared even touch her. She was the property of the prince. We all were.

But to my surprise she welcomed it. I watched their tender expressions for each other. Something was boiling and I knew that their relationship with each other was deeper than mere friendship. I watched the general bid her farewell and finally left my room.

As I made my way in her direction, my feet echoed loudly and she turned around. Her wide eyes and flushed cheeks gave away her embarrassment. She grabbed me by the arms and started begging.

"Please, Ai xue mei mei, please don't tell me you saw that."

"I saw nothing." A tactical approach to create an alliance.

"Thank you, I have many things to repay you for." She said quietly as her head was bowed in shame.

"I have one request for you jie jie. Persuade his imperial highness to spend time with me more. You are his favorite after all." I said wistfully, observing her fiddling and nervously playing with the fabric on her sleeve.

"You're silly mei mei, have you not noticed? Ming Zheng has spent more time these days in your company after that incident." She said as her eyes darted around the area in case someone was listening.

My face flushed red, embarrassed. "I thought it was supposed to be kept a secret."

"His majesty told me how worried he had been but was glad that you were safe." She said sheepishly.

"O-oh." I said, my insides jumping at the fact that he had still kept me in his thoughts.

"You're falling for him aren't you?" She said with a smile, "That's good. Falling for someone you can have." A sad sigh.

"I'm not" I denied what she said and what my conscious declared with the butterflies that fluttered in my stomach at the thoughts of him. 

"You shall see, and when you see it. Take the chance and love him." A solemn set of words that trailed off her tongue.

"Yes I suppose ... I don't know." I mumbled.

"You are still young, you'll understand with time. I must bid you goodbye for today sister but do visit my ground areas. It's much better than being cooped up in your room like a prisoner." She said with a smile.

I waved and watched her leave. She was completely different from what I had expected. She was classy, encouraging and honest. The perfect set of tools for an effective wife. I knew why the dowager empress chose her now, why Ming Zheng loved her company the most. She was the last thing from risqué. 

---

I lay on my bed with the many blankets covering my body. The season was turning colder and the leaves had turned red and brown. I heard a knock. Unexpected and strange. I pulled myself up and wrapped myself in sheets. To my surprise there he stood in front of me. His eyes lit up with a bright spark.

Though the moment he leaned toward me I could sense a sorrowful emotion. He collapsed on the seat. His eyes lifeless and distant.

"I found out..." He whispered softly.

I froze.

Was he speaking about Fang Hua? Did he find out what she was doing? My nerves were getting the better of me but, I remembered, he hadn't finished speaking.

"My first son and mother died tonight."

I calmed down at those words. I could not feel any sympathy. It was the very least, good riddance to another hassle of a harem lady and a possible threat.  

"I don't even know why I'm here." He started chuckling, looking up at me with a change in mood. "You don't even care. You don't care about people, you don't care about children. You only care about yourself and your own wellbeing." He spat.

I pushed the coldness knowing that he spoke every ounce of truth. I didn't care about anything unless it was my own family.

Carefully, I took a blanket and covered him. He didn't reject it but he was silent now. He was glassy eyed and more upset since I had ever seen him.

"Your son and wife are probably with her great ancestors in the skys. They would want you to smile and continue living Ming Zheng." I said softly.

"Smile. Unnecessary." He said coldly.

I sat down besides him and poured tea. It was a bit chilly but good enough to drink. I brushed his uncombed mess of hair away from his eyes. And then I boldly pulled him to my chest as I soothed him. Just like he had done the weeks ago.

"You'll be ok. You should tell others what you need rather than letting the burden settle on your shoulders only." I whispered.

He said nothing. I had expected him to be asleep when I pulled away. He looked at me; the intensity of his stare caused my foolish heart to pound like a drum. I gasped as he tilted my chin and he his lips gently kissed mine. Less aggressive and sweeter like cherries. I could not comprehend but dutifully did as he pleased. As we parted he simply said.

"Thank you."

And with that said I froze. I watched him pull himself to my bed and sleep. Soon enough I watched him doze away. My fingers reached towards my lips. The feeling was fresh in my memories. My cheeks grew warmer. I shook my head. I knew the expenses of risking my feelings and heart would hurt me in the very end. But that little sliver of hope kept me imagining the possibilities. What if I had a happily ever after with him someday? Where it would just be the two of us in the world.

That would be impossible though. There were always more people in need of him, younger women as I aged away from youth. I would be a throwaway object unless I established importance. I had nothing but a face that he could see. I could offer him my mind though. Something that other women wouldn't be able to give him. I smiled as I rushed out of my room to fetch some of his work.

By candle light I read through the papers carefully. I made markings and notes along it. Plans for all sorts of arrangements. It was fascinating. My eyes eventually began to flutter and I collapsed onto the table. I had finally succumbed away to the sweet temptation of sleep.

All that was left was a flickering flame that was blown out from the wind. Silence.