I'm terrified of losing the people I love.
I don't know how people who have gone through this survive, to be honest.
But I have a lot of thoughts about it.
I'm always crying over the possibility of losing my brother or parents, and once even dreamt of my best friend's death. Sometimes, when saying goodbye to my mom when she goes grocery shopping, I think about what it would be like if she never came back.
But the thing that always gets me is the little moments that will be gone forever.
My brother won't share the bathroom with me in the mornings, won't giggle with me late at night when we're sleep deprived and hysterical. Won't come to me with a new hairstyle and ask what I think. When I walk by his room I won't see him at his computer or watching something on his phone. He won't help me with chores. And never again will I see him getting really serious about making plans and being fair. No more hearing him shower through my bedroom wall, no more saying goodnight and making sure the last words that we say to each other that day were loving.
I won't have long discussions with my dad about religion and politics and lgbtq+, won't bond over movies with him and my brother, won't listen to my parents making coffee in the morning, won't have my moms over exaggerated happiness for everything, won't have delicious cooking from her, won't hear her accidentally swear ever again.
It must be hard to lose someone who is such a strong part of your everyday life, to see traces of them in everything you do.
I would feel guilty for ever being happy ever again. To imagine a friend, a parent, or a sibling looking down on me being happy, not seeming to care at all that they died, it makes me feel so horrible. It's as if I need to let them know that they meant a lot to me. That their death really affected me.
Just thoughts, really. Thoughts about my biggest phobia.
