I'm so frustrated!
It's like I have some sort of affection meter that acts like my batteries, and if no one hugs me or touches me as a sign of affection I get really moody and putter out.
But of course, whenever someone does give me affection it is like someone spiked my drink. It's so amazingly rejuvenating, but then I seem to crash, and get really sad that the moment is over and won't happen again for quite a while, since I have a very anti-touchy friend. I respect that, but I just crave this physical affection so deeply from her that it hurts sometimes.
And, I have a relatively new friend, and she acts like quite the robot, with bursts of human emotion to assure you that she isn't purely machine. Don't get me wrong, I like her (that's why she's my friend, duh). But it's like I'm hoping that once we get past the I-don't-know-you-very-we'll-so-I'm-not-very-invested stage, we'll be way more touchy-feely to fill up my affection meter. It's just taking so long!!
I just want a friend that is so comfortable with touching me that they will automatically assume a position extremely close to me (to the point of touching) whenever we're together, who will allow me to doodle on their arm when I'm bored and play with their fingers absentmindedly, who will grab my hand and pull me along with them, and who will let me play with their hair and cuddle with them during sleepovers.
Is it still friendship if we do those things? Or is it something more. I personally feel like that kind of relationship is the same idea as regular friendship, but with added on affection that often goes with a fluffy and innocent romantic relationship.
I only say this because the only friendship I have ever known so far in my life is the kind without much of the affection I'm describing. There are probably people who are strictly just friends but still do these things, but in my life I label it as something different because my friendships have never been like that.
I'm getting so desperate that I have started being way more affectionate with simple acquaintances, which is very abnormal for my cautious self that relies upon close bonds to feel safe with physical affection. I'm even excited for any part in the play at our school coming up that includes any kind of affection between characters.
Yeah, I'm crazy.
