I'm aching inside because I'm all alone.
I don't know if I want a lover or a best friend. Maybe a best friend that acts like a lover or a lover that acts like a best friend.
I don't feel like I have anyone to lay next to me at sleepovers, to giggle and share secrets with me beneath the sheets. No one to put my arm around and cuddle with and hug. No one to kiss innocently or hold hands with walking down the street, to have serious discussions with at 2 in the morning. No one to talk to for hours on end. No one who will treat my home as their own, having their own key, hanging out on my bed reading my books, and casually looking for something to eat in the pantry as if they lived there their whole life.
I want someone to have a million inside jokes with, who will be the first on the scene when I'm hurt. Someone who will act like an immature child with me at silly moments or to lighten the mood, and someone who will be serious with me and ponder the very meaning of life with me, the two of us snuggled close. Someone who will return all my love and affection. Someone whose walls will topple only for me. Someone I'm confident will hold my needy heart with care.
I seem to be a magnet for walled off people who don't know how to be serious or don't know how to have fun. People who don't like affection and don't often show it. I love all these people dearly, but I can call none of them the person I have been waiting for.
One friend is newer, and I have hope that she will be that person, but with every day of uninteresting small talk and minimal physical affection and not finding any strong emotion besides boredom whenever I try to reach inside, my hope diminishes. She is content to be all alone, and she wouldn't care if I left her.
I haven't found my person yet, and that is really taking its toll.
