Ahh, romance.
I'm a hopeless romantic, and the world of love seems to happen more often in books and movies than in my life.
I don't end up liking someone unless we really know each other and like each other and trust each other. And that kinda sucks when there seems to be this barrier between a lot of boys and girls at school.
So, it ends up being really awkward when I don't feel anything other than slight physical attraction to boys, and then start feeling romantic fuzzy things for friends that are the same sex. Because friends are exactly what I'm looking for in romance.
And maybe I just don't really know the difference between platonic and romantic, because my ideal idea of each relationship incorporates parts from the other kind.
My idea of the perfect relationship is what I love to call an elevated friendship. It's been stuck in my brain for a long time, and I can never get rid of it or act on it, given my circumstances.
It's everything that a perfect friendship between BFFs should be. Of course, everyone's idea of the perfect friendship is different. But mine is situated using trust, loyalty, comfort around each other, and knowledge of each other.
But an elevated friendship has more than that. It has what all of my past (and current) friendships lack. It has hugs and innocent kisses and cuddles and casual but sweet physical affection. It has a complete lack of personal space. It means sleeping in the same tiny bed together at sleepovers, and not feeling the least bit uncomfortable with each other.
Yes, that may just be a normal romantic relationship, and I'm just clueless, but to me this is more innocent and less sexual that some romantic relationships. No labels, really. A bit of a grey area, but a grey area we're comfortable with.
I'm a sucker for physical affection (the sweet, innocent kind, as of right now) and the problem is, I seem to have a knack for finding friends that are either extremely uncomfortable with it, or just straight and scared of advances of the same sex that could appear romantic. This is most definitely not their fault, I care about them oh so much and I try my very hardest to respect their need for space.
I just have no real outlet for physical affection, and it drives me crazy. I feel isolated, like I want to rip my hair out because there always seems to be some uncomfortable distance between me and people I care about.
Because things like hugs, holding hands, being able to be really close to the point of touching, all that wonderful crap, is what I see as a sign of trust and loyalty and ease. Of course, it also shows affection. And the problem is, I don't know how to show all those things without being physically affectionate. Especially for my space-needing friends.
And the whole friends thing is anther problem. I have never truly liked guys before, because I don't end up feeling romantically inclined towards someone without feeling comfortable around them and practically in love with their personality. So my lovely female friends end up with the honor of being the object of my potential affection. Just great.
It's never that strong, it's just easier for me to imagine a comfortable and sweet romantic relationship with my friends, or other close lady friends than it is to imagine it with any guy.
I don't think I'd ever want to engage in sexual acts with women, but as for more fluffy, innocent things, women seem ideal. Is that stereotyping? I'm sorry.
As for outside of real life, my favorite type of romance is the love/hate relationship kind. There is something so beautiful about two people constantly fighting and then one time getting so worked up that they end up shouting their feelings for each other and making out angrily. Makes me swoon for some reason, although personally I wouldn't like such a relationship. I don't know why.
Anyways, romance. I don't know how to handle it.
