Spirit of Shadows

| Chapter Twenty Four |

{ EM }
I had slept alone that night, although not well. Throughout the night, I had continued to toss and turn every few minutes and my eyelids, although they were heavy, would not close for long. Every time the darkness would cloud around me, images from the previous days would wind up. The man forcing me down onto the velvety bed, his rough mouth silencing mine, leaving ugly bruises trailing across my body. And then those of recent, the horrible feeling of knowing I had killed two men. Two officers who worked for the palace had been killed because of me.

The thought that I had saved Matthias' life had only comforted me a little. It wasn't that I regretted saving him, of course I didn't regret that! But I regretted the way it had happened. I had snapped entirely and because of that loss of control, two lives were stolen away.

With that thought, I turned once more in bed and tried so desperately, to close my eyes and have a dreamless night of white misty bliss. But of course I would be granted no such mercy that night. Instead, I had stayed up late and then early into the morning.

With dried tears on my cheeks I watched as my curtains had lightened, the fabric becoming quite opaque, showing that the sun was slowly rising and the day was beginning.

With a frustrating throw of my blankets to the side, I climbed out of bed and headed toward the bathroom with a plush towel in hand.

I decided that since I could not sleep a wink, that maybe a warm shower would help me wake up some more, maybe it would dim the thoughts in my mind.

Well, the shower did help somewhat. Mostly, on the physical side of things. I tried not to think about much though when I had been in there, just washing away the dirt from yesterday. Shampoo, soap, and rinse. Those were the steps I had kept repeating in my mind, hoping they would flush out everything else.

Please, I thought desperately, I am breaking.

The hot water was scalding as it ran over my hair and shoulders, trailing lower across my body as I turned my face up toward it. My eyes were shut as I let the water drown out the screaming images.

Please. I thought once more, a desperate plea escaping like a breath through my lips. Please.

...

Finally, I had managed to shut the water off and wrap the towel around myself as I walked from the tub. The mirror was much too foggy for me to see my own reflection and for that I was thankful. Maybe I had been offered up some small act of mercy, since I didn't have to see the bruises reflected at me. Although, I could still feel them, sore and aching along my body.

I hurriedly threw that thought away and became obsessed with the need to dress and dry my soaking hair. It had grown long now, past my shoulders and down toward the middle of my back and I felt strange with it down, almost as if I wasn't me–that I was someone new.

When I rung out the strands with the towel crumpled in my hands, i heard a tentative knock on the bathroom door.

"Yes?" I asked, a bit startled that the sound had knocked me briefly from my thoughts.

"Em, are you alright?"

It had been Matthias' voice and my heart had ached at the familiar sound of it. A deep, rich tone that had made me feel safe and secure. How strange it was that we had gone from complete strangers to something more like friends, and then hopefully past that. Not that I knew much about a topic like that. I had never had someone I cared for in that way. I had never been kissed or held, I had never had my face cradled so gently, or had the palms of my hands kissed so tenderly. I swallowed with the thought.