Silence is Golden

Chapter 19: Christmas

It was Christmas. I woke up this morning feeling a strange form of happiness erupting from within me. This happened to me every Christmas. It could be because of the fact that there was no school. Or it could be the rise of Christmas carols being sung.

I walked down stairs towards the kitchen in my pajamas feeling very happy indeed. I was shocked to see my mother already awake and moving about, hours earlier than her usual wake up time. What shocked me more was the mug that I made in preschool that said "Best Mom" came flying towards me. I started back at her as I watched her eyes begin to fill up with tears again. She hasn't cried in weeks. It hurt me to see her this way.

"All I wanted for Christmas was for you to speak!" She screamed, each word choosing her a breath. "You little fucker, why..."

I felt hot tears streaming down my own cheeks as I watched her collapse on the hard wooden floor.

"I'm sorry, so sorry." She mumbled between sobs.

I was crying too, rushing to hold her, embracing her. She hugged back, sobbing into my shirt.

"In such a horrible mother. I haven't been there for you. I'm so sorry Aiden."

Stop it. I wanted to tell at her.

"You deserve better," she continued, "you deserve someone who loves you for who you are."

You love me. You said it yourself. It must be true. It must be.

"Do you love me?" She asked me all of a sudden, looking up at me with puffy red eyes.

I nodded. I love you. I reply.

She gave off a short laugh through her tears, finally beginning to calm down.

"I love you too, Aiden."

At least that was what I hope happened. I wish I could be a man, to comfort the ones that needed to be comforted. My mother needed me but I couldn't be there for her. I was the worst person on earth.

As I started crying, my throat seized up. This happened to me many times as a child, when I didn't accept the harsh actions from my bullies. Suddenly, it seemed as if air wouldn't stop flowing into my lungs. I became extremely lightheaded, crashing into the wall behind me and collapsing on the floor. Black spots danced before my eyes as I attempted to stop the flow of tears from falling, trying to regulate my breathing. Nothing was working. I felt like my lungs were going to explode. My mother was screaming my name over and over again but I couldn't see her. A bag appeared in front of my mouth where I started to breathe, my throat burning from the uncontrolled airflow that nearly killed me.

"I'm so sorry, baby," my mother cried, holding my head in her lap, keeping the bag in front of me. "I'm such a terrible mother."

I love you too. I signed before I blacked out.

I woke up on my bed, feeling a little dizzy. A package from Rain sat on my nightstand, the tag labeling for me. And so I opened it, revealing a music disk. It was a music album, Panic! At the disco. I am not the biggest fan of any sort of music. However, I listen to it over and over again any time I feel lonely. I've almost memorized the whole album. I never saw her on Christmas though. I wish I did. I miss her.