Permanent Vacation // 5SOS

07. Tess

Honestly, that memory thing was scary. To suddenly have no recollection of the last few years, then for it all to come crashing back in like a tsunami... It's the second scariest thing ever.

The first scariest thing is that it might happen again at any moment and I can't even prepare myself for it.

That's why I'm crying as I lie perfectly still, facing the back wall of the bus; I'm scared that if I move too suddenly I might lose my memories again. I don't want to trigger anything.

Lucifer comes and licks my face once, then lies above my head with his face right near mine. I don't move when the door opens and someone walks in. I'm guessing it's Cody since she's the only one who's bothered coming in here lately.

I don't react to her being there, but I can hear her moving around and fiddling with stuff. There's a click I recognise as the opening and closing of a case for a movie or video game. I guess she wants to watch something. I wonder what.

I feel and hear Cody sit above me, presumably pressed right into the corner of the couch. Lucifer hisses at her, which seems to yet again reflect my emotions; I want to be alone, even if it's my sister and she's not actually talking to me.

Lucifer shifts positions to stare at Cody and his butt's practically on my face but I still don't want to move. But then something strange happens; I hear the opening song for a video game. Skyrim, I think. Why the fuck is Cody playing Skyrim? Unless... Fuck.

I realise with slight shock that it's one of the boys. Probably Ashton seeing as he's the least likely to be yelled at by me and therefore the most likely to have to balls to come in here. But then again he doesn't seem like the gaming type. Hmm.

Lucifer hisses again and I raise a hand to gently stroke his head.

"Holy fuck I thought you were asleep." Definitely not Ashton. Well fuck I want to leave... But there's nowhere to go. Shit. I really wish we could stop the bus and I could just walk away.

"I don't sleep." I say bitterly. "Now leave me alone Michael."

"Wow, you do know my name. And no cussing for once. We have progress." His cocky voice is so fucking annoying I want to rip his vocal cords out. But I don't want to move.

"Please just shut up." Okay wow. I've sunk to a new level; I'm never this whiney. Always tough, always firm. Ever since... Yeah, that.

"Well someone's on her period." He mutters. Oh he did not.

"Excuse me?!" I ask loudly, getting up and ignoring my fears. I don't care anymore. My vision goes a little blurry as another dizzy spell hits from moving too fast, but I ignore it and glare at the idiot in front of me.

"You're so fucking bipolar all the time, and frankly it's pretty fucking shitty for the people you're around. Actually, you're not even bipolar; all you do is swear at us and I'm pretty sure anger is the only emotion you have. Talking to you is like trying I have a conversation with a fucking brick wall." Well who knew the fucktard actually had feelings?

"Did you ever stop to think that maybe there's a reason I'm like this? Maybe there was some twit somewhere along the line who broke my heart. Maybe I have a mental condition. Maybe I got abused as a kid. You don't have a fucking clue about my life, so back the fuck off." I hiss. He rolls his eyes at me and focuses on the screen opposite him, his fingers working quickly on the Xbox controller.

"Right. Or maybe you weren't always like this but someone left you all alone so now you're all bitter and hateful." He mutters angrily. Well fuck here come the tears. Lucifer meows sadly as I turn around but stay standing with my arms folded over my chest; I don't need him to see me cry. I will not be weak in front if this twit.

Another dizzy spell hits me and I try to fight it off but between the emotions swirling through my head and the steady swaying of the bus, it's impossible. I try to make it look like I'm not struggling or in pain as I sink to the floor right in front of where I was lying a few minutes ago, but it's hard.

I make sure Michael can't see my face before screwing it up in pain and trying to subtly rub the pain away. Why does my head have to hurt so bad? It feels like a million tons was just dropped onto it.

"Fuck." I bite my bottom lip harshly, trying to get the pain away but only succeeding to hurt myself more when I draw blood from my once smooth lips. Damn I worked so hard for them to be perfect. Not.

"Tess? Hey, you okay?" Michael's hands pull my own out of my hair -I hadn't even noticed myself clutching my head like that- and lifts my face up. Holy fuck. Those green eyes... No I refuse to believe it. Michael couldn't have been the one to carry me into the hospital. "Your lip's bleeding." Without pause, he wipes my mouth for me, swiping away the blood.

"Leave... Leave me alone." I whine half heartedly, trying and failing to push him away. I almost fall over in the process, but he catches me. Somehow I knew he would.

"Tess, where are your pills?" He asks softly. It almost doesn't sound like his voice; the tone's so different from his usual rude one.

"Lucifer." I mutter, leaning heavily on Michael's grasp even though I really don't want to. It's not like my aching brain has time to worry about whether or not I'm leaning on the right thing though.

"Tess, hey stay with me. Lucifer, go get Cody and the boys. Go get 'em." Is Michael talking to a cat? What an idiot.

"Don't tell him what to do." I try to say, but my lips won't form the words properly and it comes out slurred.

"Tess, what hurts?" He sounds stressed. I wonder why.

"My head, you dummy." I try to laugh but I honestly just sound like I'm crying. Maybe I am. Who knows? "You shouldn't have said those things."

"Is... Is that why you're head hurts?" Now he's about to cry? Damn this kid's emotional. "I didn't mean to hurt you. I'd never..." He trails off and I look up at him. Green eyes. And there's the black again. "Tess? Tessa c'mon stay awake."

"I'm up." I groan, trying to shove him away. Why do my arms feel so heavy? Someone's tapping my face and I look up at the ceiling. Pretty lights.

"Tess? Tess c'mon. Not again. Eyes open." Cody?

Such pretty, pretty lights.

I'm just gonna close my eyes for a second or two.

Goodnight.