Permanent Vacation // 5SOS

13. Tess

I can't believe Cody would say something like that.

She's glad I'm hurt? She's glad I'm making her relive memories of the night our parents died?

I know I shouldn't have reacted the way I did when Calum woke me up and said those things, but I was finally sleeping peacefully. Now that I'm awake I feel more tired than ever before.

But now I can't sleep.

I know what'll happen if I do; I'll dream about that night again. I'll relive it again. Just like every time I sleep. I know it was all my fault, but those dreams and nightmares really don't help me with the grieving process at all.

I sigh, having no idea where I am anymore. I've been walking for about half an hour, which is probably really dumb of me since I'm in Kentucky and I don't know my way around at all.

I find myself wishing to forget again; this pain and suffering that both Cody and I feel is all my fault.

After that night, I left for a while. I cleaned myself up and dealt with my shit, then I went back to my sister because she needed me. Together forever.

Only now I'm not so sure that going back to her was the right decision. All I've done is hurt her. I've hurt everyone. I've hurt me.

I would give anything to take back what I did that night. To take back the words I said. To stop myself from feeling this way. To stop myself from hurting everyone. To have my parents back.

But I can't. Even forgetting about it all again won't change what's happened, and when I remember I'll just be broken all over again.

"You're so stupid Tess." I tell myself. It's the truth. "You're a horrible person. You're a liar. You're a freak. You're a murderer."

Cody never knew the things I did, but our parents knew. Cody doesn't know that it's all my fault; I killed our parents and my sister is clueless.

Nobody knows.

Nobody except me.

And it will stay that way.

"Tess?" My eyes follow the sound of the voice, not recognising who it belongs to. "Tess Weller?"

"Yeah..." I trail off, staring at the silhouette that's talking to me. Pretty sure it's a guy.

"It's me, Billy. We did high school together for two years back in Dallas." The guys says. Billy? Who the fuck is that?

"Um, okay." I say. He takes a few steps towards me and I back up just as much. I can see his face now because of the light from a nearby store.

"Don't you remember? We had art together." He tells me. Billy from art...

"Oh, yeah." I do remember him. Bug-eyed Billy was the name I knew him by, but that doesn't quite fit him anymore since he no longer has glasses and he's kinda buff rather than the scrawny nerd I remember from school.

"I've changed a bit so it's no surprise that you didn't recognise me." He says. I don't comment. "So what brings you to the state of Kentucky? I thought you were headed to LA after school."

"Uh, I came with some friends."

"You on your way to see them now?" He asks a lot of questions, and it's annoying because I can't actually remember where I'm going or where I came from.

"I don't think so." I say uncertainly. Billy smiles widely.

"Wanna get a coffee or something?" He asks. I nod, knowing that I'll eventually remember what I'm meant to be doing, but also knowing that all I can do until I remember is wait.