Some Mad Hope (ML, #4.5)

Prelude

Prelude

Empty

My chest burned trying to understand him and myself. I should be happy you know. It's my birthday! I shouldn't care if he fucked this girl in front of me or everyone. I shouldn't be affected. He rejected me many times and I should learn how to move on but I can't. Every time I tried, I failed. Every time I set things to new beginnings, I think of him. I think of how he can't love me the way I do. I think of how I am in love with Conrad's best friend. I shouldn't be. He's a player. He doesn't do girlfriends. He likes to play. He likes to be him and no one can change that. He doesn't like me. How can I move on if every time I think of it, I know I will fail.

So, after many rejects, we tried to be casual.

How can I?

After the fucking-incident of newspaper dance, he'd like to fuck the girl, his partner, I know that look. I am so furious. My fists clenched so tightly that my palms hurt. Sinubukan kong pakalmahin ang sarili ko sa nangyari. I forced a smile to everyone. They saw the sweet-Maggie always. But inside, my heart was ripping. How can he do that in front of me? Pa'no? Pa'no bang maging ganoon na lang din ako? I should be dating someone! I can't do that!

Halos magsiuwian na ang mga bisita ko. Nauna sina Scarlett at Chico umuwi. Nagpaalam na rin sina Henrik, Van, at Ian sa akin. They kissed my cheek and told me to open their gifts. I said, I would and text them. My friends in the industry, too, went home. Naiwan na lamang si Newt at iyong babaeng kahalikan niya sa couch. Si kuya'y nasa kusina, nag-aayos.

Kaagad akong nagmartsa papunta kina Newt. They looked unaffected. Halos makita ko na ang dibdib ng babae sa pagkapa ni Newt doon. My nose flared and I breathed through my nose. "Newt Cromwell," I vented in anger. "Don't fuck her in my couch." They stopped. A scowl is visible on the girl's face. She's pretty, yes, but not natural. I don't know I invited her here. I don't care anyway. They should leave by the way. Newt on the other side, raked his curly dark brown hair by his hand and the evil smirk of him on his pretty face is making me tremble. He's drunk. I bit my lip and inhaled. "Party's over," I added and shook my head. I stared on the floor.

"Yours or mine?" maarteng suhestyon ng babae.

Tumalikod na 'ko ngunit mayroon sa akin na hinihintay ang sagot ni Newt. Umiling ako at lumakad na papuntang kusina. I should just help kuya or siguro pauwiin ko na lamang siya. I can do this. Mommy taught me to be on my own.

"Yours," ani Newt sabay tawa.

Don't, Maggie.

Naglakad na 'ko papunta sa kusina. It feel like my heart is shattering into pieces. I wonder how it didn't stop beating. How many times my heart breaks because of him? I lost the count. I lost the damn count. I let him. It is not his fault. It is my heart's fault to fall in love with someone who can't reciprocate the same feeling. It's hard. It's heart breaking. It is bullshit.

"Maggie, are you okay?" ang mahinahong boses ni kuya ang sumalubong sa akin.

I pretended. I beamed at him. "Of course, kuya! You can leave that! Ako ng bahala! You can go home na!" ani ko sabay turo sa mga plato. Niyakap ko si kuya. Iniangat ko ang ulo ko at ngumiti. Even we're not really related to each other, I always thankful for Benjamin. For every thing. And I'd hope happiness will find him. He deserves that after he'd been through. After all, he's twenty six! He's the most caring and selfless person I ever know. He's gwapo and charming, too. And I am rooting for someone para sa kanya no! "Thank you kuya for everything! I'm twenty two na! But please, tell me, I will always be your little sister!" Benjamin smiled at me. He pinched my nose. "Kuya!" angal ko sabay alis ng hawak niya sa ilong ko.