Some Mad Hope (ML, #4.5)

Kabanata 9

Kabanata 9

Falling

Seven years old Maggie received a gift from tita Letty for acing the first exam. She borrowed me from Mommy for a while to treat me. Namasyal kami sa Mall. She even wanted me to say what a want. But I am bit shy for wanting things in that age. Siya na lamang ang namali. Eight years old Maggie got a help from tita Letty when kuya Benj and Dad were out of town. That time Mom was sick and I was crying because I can't do anything. I called tita and she helped me to take care of Mommy...and years had passed, a hand is still open for any help I needed. Tita had the kindest and caring heart I've known in my life. She's an inspiration to me, the woman I looked up, same love I have with my mother. She have become the second mother to me. And I can't, and I can't still stomach what happened.

I can't still believe it.

That I can't hold her.

Kiss her.

Hug her.

That I will never hear her soothing words.

Her face.

Her gorgeous smile.

I can't....It is so hard to accept things slowly. That I'd lost someone close to my heart. That I know no one will replace her place in my life. Hindi ko pa rin matanggap ang lahat. Para bang, pa'no ba? Nasa masamang panaginip lamang 'to. Na paggising ko makikita ko pa rin si tita kasama sina Conrad pati na rin si tito Douglas. That we could still celebrate birthday or any life events, completely and happily. Sarap isipin na ganito, e. Pero parang pinipiga 'yong puso ko kapag isang ihip lang ng hangin bumulong sa akin, na...na wala na 'yon. Na wala na siya.

Some pieces of my life falling into wrong places right now. Sobrang sakit. Kahit hindi mo kadugo. Even she's not my biological auntie, it's still hurts. How could I tell myself that I'm not going to see her...alive again? Breathing? How can I? Mula sa hospital, the doctor reviving tita Letty until the body gave up. We lost a beautiful heart and soul. My Auntie, we lost her physically. Ilang araw na tinago ko ang paghagugol tuwing gabi. Ilang araw simula ng pagbuburol. I tried to be on my strongest state in the morning. But I broke down every night, clutching tita's gift to me.

And I am worried about Conrad. I know how close he is to his mother. When someone broke down the news to him, I saw his world shutter in his features. His emotions are messing him up. Wala siyang kinakausap. Tito Douglas requested me to be with him. Hindi ko iniwan si Conrad ng mga araw na 'yon. May ilang gabi'y kailangan pa niya 'ko upang siya'y makatulog. Some nights, we were just sharing stares to each other, speaking no words, remembering things with her mother. Tutulo na lang ang luha 'ko at sasaluhin ng palad niya 'yon para punasan. I've never seen him cry. It is making me scared for the reason I want to be there if his emotions messed him up. I want to be the one he can lean on. I want to be strong for him.

"Nelle..." he whispered, looking at the sky where the white balloons flying somewhere. "Promise me, you'll never leave me, too? Okay?" aniya nang hindi pa rin nakatingin. Tinitigan ko kung saan naming hinatid si Tita Letty. "Because I don't know what to do..." napatigil siya. Mas lalo niyang hinigpitan ang hawak sa aking kamay. Hindi ko maalis ang tingin ko sa puntod ni tita. Sa pamilya naming nagtatapon ng bulaklak. Mom and Dad are beside tito Douglas. My cousins hugged each other. My relatives, my titas and titos, too. Tears pricking in my eyes again. I rubbed it immediately, but my traitor cheeks and lips trembled. "Don't leave me, Nelle. Please..." he pleaded.

"I won't, Conrad. You know that," mutawi ko.

I stared to him, giving him a smile. Conrad touched my cheek and caressed it smoothly. His eyes swam different sadness I want to get off him. But I don't know how to do it. His sharp cheeks quaked a little. Kaagad niyang binawi ang emosyon ng mukha at pinalitan nang mas kontrol na emosyon. Na hindi nakikita ng ibang tao. That Conrad mastered masking his true emotions to anyone, but I know deeply, he is suffering emotionally for losing the mother he knows. "If you want to cry and lose all the weights you are feeling, it is okay to cry, Conrad." My eyes filled tears again. This time I let them. Kaagad namang hinarap ako ni Conrad upang punasan ang aking luha. "It is okay to cry, Cons."