Love You Goodbye

Chapter 15: Roxanne

                       

I left the club way too late. There was a damn fight between two drunks and it escalated pretty damn badly. I was talking to the police most of the night. When they finally left, the staff was already done cleaning up. I waved goodbye to them and went for my car immediately. The sky was already transitioning to a lighter color and rays of the sun were slowly starting to appear in the sky and I didn't want to see it get any brighter. 

When I was at the front of my door, I quickly shuffled for my house key. I had a feeling I was going to make it before I could see the sunrise. However, when I opened the door, I saw that the sunrise was going on at the window. I dropped my bag and closed my door as I stiffly took a step toward the window. My eyes closed as I tried to block out the memory, but it wasn't going to happen. 

"Rox, get out of bed right now. Roxanne Marie Styles Horan, get out of bed right now. I'm serious. You have been doing this for too long and it's about time we figure this out together. Now, get out of bed." Niall insisted.

Please, leave me alone, I cried inside my head. I can't face you right now.

I felt the bedsheets get pulled away from me. "Get out of bed, Roxanne!" he exclaimed.

I'm sorry, I can't. When I heard him stomp out of the room and slam the door, I bit my knuckles and curled up into a ball as I cried softly. I was so upset that I lost our son and even more, I felt guilty. It was because of me that I lost our son. Our beautiful baby boy would never be able to be held and loved by us because I lost him. I would never be able to give Niall children. I took the hope away of giving him a beautiful family. He was never going to be a father because I couldn't provide it for him.

The sound of things breaking downstairs, made me raise my head up slightly. Taking a deep breath, I got out of bed and peeked through the door. I watched as Niall slammed his fists against the wall, yelling. He didn't stop until there were dents. He leaned his forehead against the wall, crying. He knelt down on the ground, still crying. He turned around and leaned against the wall as he continued to cry. Eventually, he raised his head up and looked at something.

Frowning, I followed his eyes and saw that the morning sun was shining through the window, illuminating the crib. The crib that our son would never be in.

"This wasn't supposed to happen," Niall said, making me look at him. His eyes were fixated on the crib as he spoke. "You weren't supposed to go, little Horan. This isn't what we wanted for you. This isn't what I wanted for us. I don't know why you had to be taken away from us, but I wish every damn minute you weren't. It's going to kill me not being able to see you, watch you grow up, hear you laugh...to hold you. I never fully met you and I miss you too fucking much. I'm sorry that I failed you."

No, Niall, I thought. You didn't fail him. I did. It was all because of me. You're in pain because of me. I'm the reason why you're hurting. Can't you see that, Niall? Why are you helping me when you know that I caused you this much pain? Why are you choosing to stay with me? I failed you.

I leaned against the wall and covered my mouth. Stumbling up, I went to the bathroom, but stopped when I looked at the mirror. My stomach was no longer round, but flat. I touched my stomach, missing the feeling of my baby kicking. I missed his very presence. Without a thought, I grabbed my hairbrush and threw it at the mirror. I screamed and cried as I dropped to the ground, crying. I wanted my son. I wanted him back.

Footsteps approached and opened the door. Niall was immediately in the bathroom. He looked at the mirror and looked at me. Without a single word, he hugged me and I hugged him back as we cried together. He held me tightly, whispering comforting words, but I couldn't bare it.