Love You Goodbye

Chapter 34: Niall

What she said, crushed me. I couldn't believe my girl, my whole world believed it was truly over between us. I couldn't handle thinking that what we had was gone. I wanted to convince her that what she was saying was only because she felt like all hope was lost between us. I wanted to argue that there was still hope and we could continue to fight for what we have, but I knew that she wouldn't want to hear it.

I knew that she wanted us to be over and there was nothing I could do to change her mind.

Every night, I thought about the ways I could make it up to Roxanne. I thought about what would have happened if I didn't involve her club. I thought about what would happen if I didn't lie to her and told her the plan. Even though I thought through every scenario, I knew that it was useless to think about it. There was no way I could go back in time and change what happened. I had to live with my mistakes.

"When I sign those papers," I began. "Do you think we would be friends after some time or will we never see each other again? Are we going to pretend like we don't exist again?"

"How the hell do you think we could still be friends, Niall, after all of this?"

"Because of what we have."

"What we had will only bring us back to this. Where we have hope that something will change, but it won't change."

I swallowed the lump in my throat. "Damn, Rox, you know how to hurt a guy."

She sighed, "I know what I'm saying hurts, Niall. Believe me when I say it's not my intention, but how else can I make you understand?"

I drank the rest of my beer and set the glass down. "Alright, so, pretend we don't exist. Got it, loud and clear, Rox."

"It'll be easier that way if we never came back into each other's lives," she sighed. "I really don't need another repeat of the past, Niall."

I swallowed the lump in my throat, trying to keep composed. Roxanne had a point, even though I didn't want to admit it. No matter how much time apart we were to have from each other, I would still love her. If I saw her again after this, I would want another chance. I would fight for another chance even when I'd know there would be no other chances.

Roxanne turned away from me, looking at the window. "Do you know what hurts the most, Niall?" she whispered, still not looking at me. "I love you so fucking much, but I don't want to get hurt again. When I didn't hear about you for some time, I was okay. I felt like maybe I could actually continue to be okay like last time, but then Carl came and told me what you're planning. The pain came right back. Seeing your face made all the love return, but also the pain and betrayal. You mean so much to me and it hurts that I'm going to be apart from you, but I can't stay with you. I just...I just can't. We have to be strong and do what we have to do. We loved, tried, and we gave it our all. That's all that matters at this point."

My jaw tightened, my stomach churned, and I felt like my heart was being ripped from my chest. I reached out to her and pulled her to my chest. Roxanne's head leaned against my shoulder. I felt her body tremble and from the reflection, I could see her lips quivering from trying to hold back her sobs.

"There aren't enough words to express how sorry I am," I murmured in her ear. "I know I fucked up. I wish I didn't. Fuck, Rox, every night I look up at the stars and wish I could take it all back. I wish I could be strong and make time bend to my will so I can take it all back. I wish I could take back all the pain I caused, but I'm not that strong. Hell, I don't even know if I am strong enough to let you go. You mean so fucking much to me and I hate myself for what happened."

I turned her around. She didn't make eye contact with me, only stared at the ground. I wiped the tears that slid down her soft cheeks. The pain in her eyes were so clear. I kissed her forehead and pulled her into my arms. I inhaled her sweet scent of raspberries and pomegranate in her hair. I loved that smell. It was her signature smell from the first time I met her. I could never get enough of it.