An Outsider Love Story

my lost

I pull away from Tim and wipe my tears away. I look at him hard and toughen up.

"Get me outta here." I tell him. I'll be strong then nothing can hurt me.
Tim and Angela walked out to go get the doctor. Soda sat in the chair quietly not sure what to say. I didn't want him in here. But I didn't want to be alone either. We sat there in Silence. The one thing that's been bugging me is why is he here? Shouldn't he be taken care of pony boy? He was sick before the rumble I'm sure somethings going on with him now. What about Sandy? Instead of being with her he's in his ex's hospital room. I didn't even want him here.

Tim and Angela come back with the doctor. He pulls off the clipboard on the counter next to the tote bags.

"Lets see how you are doing Lola." The doctor flips the pages on the clip board.

"Alright, so you just woke up from a coma. Has anyone talked to you about that?" I look at everyone around the room not sure if that's why I lost my memory.

"No, I didn't know I was in a coma. But my brother has reminded me what happened." I watch the doctor set the clip board down.

"You have been out for 3 weeks. Are you grasping the information okay? Are you feeling any kind of sickness, dizziness, stomachache? Does anything hurt?" He takes his glasses off and puts them inside his lab coat.

"I feel fine." The words came out mid tone. No emotion at all.

"As long as you think you are fine and your brother has signed off on your medical release form, I am okay with you going home. As long as you take it easy no hard work. No lifting up objects that weigh more than 50 pounds. Not a whole lot of walking you should do. Since you have been in a coma I do not advise you to do anything that will cause you to use your strength." The doctor looks at me closely as I nod my head.

"Okay, Mr. Shepard one of my nurses will help escort you and the rest of the visitors to the the front of the building. I have a few more questions and statements to talk to Lola. It's more personal and only classified between the doctor which is me and the patient which is her. If she feels the need to tell you or let anyone else know, she will have to tell you on her own time." The doctor picks the clip board back up and places the glass on his face. Tim looks at me as I nod my head.

"Ok, well be at the front." Tim walks over and hands me a tote bag. It was filled with clothes and a pair of shoes.

"See ya." I whispered as I set the tote bag on the bed. My visitors walk out of the room as the nurse shuts the door leaving me alone with the doctor.

"Okay Lola. I understand that you are close with your brother and sister. I'm not sure who the other person is but that's okay I don't need to know. I want to talk to you alone because some testings we did while you were in the coma came up. Now I don't want you to freak out or if you even knew about this become some sort depressed."

"Just tell me what it is. I'm sure it's fine." I shake my head. The doctor looks at me uneasily as he takes his glasses off and sits down on the bed next to me.

"Did you know that you were pregnant?" I was shocked by what he said. Did I know? How? It wasn't possible of that happening and then I thought back to that night I spent with Dally at Buck's place right after the boys left for windrixville.

"No I didn't know. I didn't." I mumble to myself. The doctor looks at me more concern. How could I know? It was only a week ago when it happened.

"Well, since you didn't know that shouldn't be much of a bother but depends on the patient. You had a miscarriage. I'm very sorry for your lost." The doctor gets up off the bed and writes something down on the clip board. I didn't know what to feel. Of course I was shocked of all things but everything else was numb. As if I've lost enough, nothing can top what happened to Johnny and Dally.

"Here is a number you can call. Its a grieving center for people who have lost. There are also club meetings they hold at the local library on wednesdays at 6." Anger boils in me but then relishes. He doesn't know what I've been through. What I have done or who I am as a person. He knows what the papers say.

"Thanks." I say quietly as he takes the paper and sets it on the tote bag.

The doctor pull the tubes and wires out and leaves the room. I get dressed quickly and grab my stuff. I head to the front as Tim grabs the tote bag and Angela carries the flowers. The car ride home was quiet. Normally I would hate it but this time I liked it.

When we got home I went straight to my room slamming the door. I refused to leave. I stayed like that for what seemed to be hours until Angela came up bringing me food. A tray of meatloaf.

"Lola you have to come out sometime. Its been 8 days since we left the docs." Angela says. It really doesn't feel like days.

"No thanks." I grumbled as I curled up in my bed.

"Fine stay up here. Lock your self up. Everyone is hurting too you know? Not just you." Angela raises her voice.

"Did you lose you best friend? Did you lose your boyfriend? Did you watch them die. Watch them take their last breath. Watch them get shot up." I spat. How dare she. She doesn't even know half of it.

"Dally was a good friend to us and I'm sure Johnny was a good guy too but you can't just ignore the world for the rest of your life. They wouldn't want you to beat yourself up about it." Angela says lightly. I kept quiet. If I open my mouth I'll say something I will regret later.

She left the room and shut the door. I was alone. I knew she was right. They wouldn't want me crying like a baby over them. Dally would be sucking his teeth right about now seeing me like this.

'You can't look weak anymore. This world is tough so you need to be tough. You need to be hard as a rock. You gotta be smart. If you're like that nothing can hurt you.'
I remember Dally telling me this right before he got jailed.

'Be, be strong. Be strong for me.' Johnny's words still lingered in my head. I'll be strong. I'll be tough. I promise.